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Comment by Jeremy Clint Warren on February 21, 2009 at 6:14pm

I ment to put that video in the video spot....my bad

Comment by Frank Svitak on February 19, 2009 at 9:46pm

If you don 't find yourself laughing out loud at this one, you must have lost your voice.


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for
their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and
I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects
of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, taser in the other. The
directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop
on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a
one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT
THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat
was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with
a taser,one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it
is disloged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs!!! I had no control over
the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for
sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Comment by Frank Svitak on February 19, 2009 at 9:43pm

Comment by Scott Tretter on February 8, 2009 at 9:04pm

Thanks for the invite Justin

Comment by brittany (phire saint) on January 23, 2009 at 4:24pm

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied...

Comment by Jeremy Bolster on December 18, 2008 at 8:45pm

Those are funny comics! I will have to check out those sites.

Comment by Mike Schlags (Captain Busy) Retd on December 12, 2008 at 11:54pm

Comment by Mike Schlags (Captain Busy) Retd on December 12, 2008 at 11:53pm

Comment by IPN on November 20, 2008 at 8:51am

Hi, its Steve from IPN. Greetings fellow humanoids! While I'm here, let me offer everyone our sign-up special: become a dispatcher for IPN and receive 100 bonus points just for signing up! Go to www.incidentpage.net/disp-app.cgi and mention STEVE in the "how did you hear about IPN?" section. Thanks!

Comment by anne potter on November 14, 2008 at 2:58pm

thanks for the invite

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