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Funny Jokes
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Permalink Reply by Justin Buck on
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday. -
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Permalink Reply by junior on
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theory about hell
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are
entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The
corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.
'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. -
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in Africa, every morning, a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.
every morning a lion wakes up knowing that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
it makes no difference whether you are a lion or a gazelle: WHEN THE SUN COMES UP YOU HAD BETTER BE HAULING ASS!! -
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Permalink Reply by Firefighter Dison on
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hilarious
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very funny where do you get these jokes from
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Permalink Reply by Mark Montgomery on
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BE ON THE LOOKOUT
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang -
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Living Life Backwards
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap,
and then...
You finish off as an orgasim.
I rest my case. -
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Farmer and the Cow
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain! -
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This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...' -
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Permalink Reply by Oldman on
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A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a
Chimpanzee in a cage marked, “$1000”. The man looks a little closer
and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a T-shirt bearing the
Maltese Cross and is cleaning a fog nozzle. Curious about this, the
man summons the storekeeper and asks him what the deal is with
this thousand dollar monkey. “Sir, You have discovered our Fire Service Monkeys”.
This one is our Firefighter version. It has a Basic Firefighters certification with
IFSAC seals, is also a Licensed Paramedic, can perform vehicle extrications, high angle rescue and is up to date on current CPR standards. A very good value for a thousand dollars.
The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage,
which is occupied by a gorilla – also wearing the same T-shirt, but is gnawing on a pen and reading training manuals.
The storekeeper states, “Sir, You have discovered the
Captain model.This one has an Advanced Firefighter certification, is capable of
training the other monkeys in basic firefighting skills, and can manage
any emergency scene. It can also type. A very good value for five-
thousand, Sir.”
Impressed, the man moves to the last cage. Inside, he finds
an orangutan, dressed in a white shirt and a tie, but holding only a
coffee cup. The man says, “What does this one do that he’s worth $10,000 ?”
The storekeeper clears his throat and says, “Ah, sir, well, um… we
have never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and
play with himself, but he says he’s a Battalion Chief.” -
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Permalink Reply by anne potter on
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Whats the differance between a women and a dyrer>>>>.
Nothing both waiting for a load to be put in....
my husband told me that one....
not for sure if he wanted clothes dried or what?????????????????? -
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