Today started out as yet another me-day tuesday, something thats become part of the weekly schedule since my injury. I picked up my venti-iced-whole milk-half caf-peppermint-white mocha, went to the ATM to get some dollars since the clifton general store doesn’t allow plastic for minimal purchases and all I wanted was a BLT, drove through the back roads to clifton and parked. As I started walking I heard someone yelling for help. It was an elderly lady who was helplessly lost after attempting to follow her daughter the back way from fairfax county to dale city (she was a solid half hour at least from her destination). I of course helped her out as much as I could and started her off on her way.
Since ive been on a LOA from all that is emergency services I had begun to forget how good it feels to help others with no expectation of anything in return. I am good at helping others, but when it comes to helping myself.... yeah, not so much.

However, helping others really does in a roundabout way wind up with me helping myself. When I see that I can in fact do something good it makes me feel better about myself, when I see the horrid conditions some people are in I cannot help but feel guilty at how upset I am over the few things that aren’t 100% ok in my life.

So WHAT if I am temporarily a gimp??!?!? So WHAT if I have yet to find someone that is willing to put up with all that is ME??!?!?

I have my sight along with all my other senses, I have full mental capacity, I am slightly hindered in mobility by my kne,e but that is only temporary. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, wonderful friends and family, enough money to get by, the opportunity to get any level of education I wish, I have numerous material possessions (though one should be less worried about what they own as about who they are). I have a great faith in God, and I believe most importantly I have an unwavering stance on who I am. I refuse to bend my values and who I am for someone else. If someone cannot put up with the fact that I fully intend on at some point being a firefighter, a medic, AND a cop, well that’s just their loss. I'm also unwilling to change the fact that I'd much much rather sit in the crook of a tree branch over a creek reading a book than walking through the mall, or that if any friend calls me and needs me I will drop whatever I am doing to help. I do not smoke, I do not drink, and I most certainly do not do drugs. If you can’t deal with that, again… that’s your problem. I am also unwilling to pretend like I do not have a strong want for family in my future. I cannot wait until the time when I finally get to be called MOMMY and will have such a large role in the molding of what another person becomes.

I have seen many amazing sights in my life. I have watched the sunset at the grand canyon, post 9/11 have flown (for FREE!!) in a helicopter over DC during Christmastime when everything was decorated up, I have hiked up a mountain and down the other side, been free to go as far and as fast as I please on horseback from dawn until well after dark on trails (time which I am really able to just be amongst my own thoughts), I have rappelled down eight stories, navigated level 5 white water, jumped off a 50 foot rock into level 3 white water, I have traveled to numerous countries, been in a submarine, raced down a track at 120mph (bonus points for NOT killing myself or the instructor on that one), and I have first hand been able to appreciate what the full circle of life really means. In 21 years I have been blessed enough to see and do many many things that most will never get to do in their lifetime.

My mom thinks I am certifiably insane. She doesn't understand how I continue to do all that I do when I have literally lost count of how many people I have seen die, or already dead. She thinks that if I always remember these people and what happened, and if I cannot stop caring I shouldn’t be in emergency services. It is true, these people leave a mark on me. I will always remember the face of the cop that killed himself, the first dead guy I saw at 17, my first CPR.... the list goes on…. but I take solace in the fact that I know that I did all that I could.

What sticks out in my mind more than the losses are the people who I have helped in some way or another.

On one of my first fireboard calls it turned out that the little girl had been abused by her mother God knows how many times in the past. Whenever this little precious 3yo girl was within eyesight of her mother she started physically shaking and refused to talk. I spent the whole ambulance ride coloring with her, playing games, and telling her how much I wished my shoes were as pretty as her pink butterfly blinky light up shoes. By the end of the ride this girl was smiling again and I made it well known to all that my suspicions needed to be investigated. No, this girl had no physical marks, but my gut instincts and the palpable fear this girl had were marks of their own.

Then there was the old lady who had a fractured hip. I held her hand the whole way to the hospital. She didnt speak english so I just smiled at her and held her hand. Midway through the ride she turned to her daughter, spoke a few sentences, and smiled at me. Her daughter said that her mother said I was beautiful and a wonderful person. She also told me that it was the first time her mother smiled in years.
There was also the boy who was called into as a suicide attempt I talked to, and the woman who was violently abused by her husband. I am glad to know that all of these people seemed to be glad that I was there.

I also go to the homeless shelters, and help out at things such as the Down Syndrome Buddy Walk in DC as often as I can. It's amazing what doing this kind of thing will do for you.

I cannot imagine doing any type of work in my life ever that does not involve helping others in need. Even childcare really has been a way to help people. I am darn proud of the fact that even the 3yo’s I watch have manners, and know that the proper way to finish a meal is to take their bib off, put it on the table, and say thank you all done, followed by wash hands please while holding their hands out and not getting up until they are clean. I am most proud of the two girls that I have watched since both were infants. They are eight and six now and are amazing examples of the fact that there is still good in society. They are polite, they hold all police officers, firefighters, and military personnel in the highest regard, and their capacity to care astounds me. When I was having a really tough time after the two officers in my county were murdered the older one came up and hugged me and said “Don’t be sad Marie, your friends are in a better place now, they’re in Heaven with God where you don’t hurt anymore and there aren’t any bad guys”…both girls then gave me cards they made. I teared up good after that one. How can you not have faith in the fact that the human species is overall good, and that things will eventually work out for the best after seeing how wonderful these children are??

I truly have been blessed in my life and I really do apologize if I have spent any time as of recent grumbling and generally going about my days being anything other than pleasant. I’m working on it I promise. I’ve spent a lot of time recently apologizing to friends I have had a falling out with and attempting to forgive those who have hurt me in the past either intentionally or unintentionally.

This extremely long rant is just my way of asking others to try and take time out of their lives to attempt to help others, and to also try and better themselves in the process, because I know how much it has helped me.


<3’s y’all

Take care of yourselves, and always stay true to your beliefs!!!

~*Marie*~