We got toned out to a 30 something male sick. When we arrived there was a female I (think) at the top of the driveway there to greet us so I asked what seems to be the problem she stated the gentleman inside is sick he has a cane up his ass, I followed with , well when people get sick they tend to be a little cranky, she said, no I mean he has a cane up his ass! Me not wanting to upset her more I said let's go inside and lets meet this sick guy. Well me and my partner went inside, got to his room and he was covered up so my partner asked him what seems to be the problem today, and he said look and uncovered himself HOLY CRAP HE HAD A CANE STICKING OUT OF HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so my partner passed the call over to me. so I check his vitals with out looking at the cane too much, needless to say he was in pain because he had the entire handle plus 3in. of the cane in his ass. to make matters worse he's 375lbs so we had to call for lift assist but he didn't want cops or females involved in the call. so I did what any good emt would do I held my laughter in and inspected the cane then secured it in a neutral spot between his legs and rushed him off to the hospital as soon as help for the lift arrived. How you might ask did said cane get in said ass godd question he told us that he was "beating off and needed a stimulant and the cane was the closest thing he could grab", now i know why the dispatcher said he was a sick man. Mind you this was only my second trauma call ever and I think I'll never top it, but we'll see! The hospital had to move him to emergancy surgery to remove the item in question. This is one call i don't think i'll ever forget!!