"Life Can Be Funny Sometimes..."

A man is homeless, unemployed, feeling depressed & Hopeless. He's out walking and sees a comedy club and decides to go in, figuring the jokes and the couple of drinks he can buy with the last ten dollars in his pocket might cheer him up a little. As he enters the club, he sees a sign that reads: "Open mike night for amatures 7-9pm nightly." After watching several comedians on stage, he thinks, "Hey! I can do that!" And decides to give it a try. He has no act, no formal training. This is a true story. I am "THAT" man...

I just got out of prison today. i didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't have anywhere else to go. Prison is a really crazy place! I mean, Here I am almost 50 years old, and I've got some zitfaced 20 year old, hourly wage making, wannabe rent a cop telling me when to eat, what to do, & when to go to bed. It's nuts! My cell mate is doing a double life sentence for murder, & rent a cop is screaming: "Ok you guys, go back to your cells & lock up! or else! & I mean it!" And I'm thinking, "I'm doing a double life sentence for murder, & I'm never getting out.... or else what????? What's he going to do? Bump it up to never, never ever??? "I've got a crazy sister named Lucy. People say, I shouldn't say she's "crazy" that it's wrong & cruel. They think I should say that she's "special", or "intelectually challenged". Give me a break! come on! Mentally retarded people are intelectually challenged. Lucy's just a looney! She used to eat paintchips as a child... Well, Probably because I gave them to her... I simply told her that she was a Catholic, & that the paintchips were communion wafers... But as i said, she's a total nutcase. No one really knows for sure why. Some say it was the paintchips, I say, blame it on the Catholics! Hey! we all know how tightly wrapped Catholic girls are, afterall! At age 12 she wanted a boyfriend but dad said she was "WAY" too young. So, I was smoking out behind the garage one day, when she caught me & asked what I was doing. I pulled out a can of Prince Albert tobacco and said, "Oh, that's your boyfriend." She says, "I don't have a boyfriend." I said, "You're right! You sure don't! Cause dad found out about old Prince Albert here, killed him, & what's left of him is in this can. I'm just creamating his remains a little at a time." She thought about that for a moment, shed a tear while munching on a paintchip, Then looked me right in the eye and said, "Royallty huh?" Now she's a chain smoking man hating lesbian, with commitment issues.. .. So I go into the unemployment office when i got into town this morning, & stand on line for hours just to finally get interviewed by another 20 year old zitfaced wannabe beaurecrat, who says, "What do you want?" I say, "Hey man! I just got out of prison this morning after 15 years, I need a job." He looks didainfully at me and says, "I've got thousands of out of work people seeing me every day who don't have a prison record, and you want me to find "you" a job? What are you? a comedian?" (Well... now you see how I got this club gig...) So as I am leaving his office, zitface says, "By the way, what were you in prison for anyway?" I looked him right in the eye and said, "Oh nothing much, really, I killed a 20 year old wannabe beaurecrat who wouldn't help me find a job..." The entire six months prior to my release, my now "former" girlfriend wote me faithfully & lovingly, detailing all of the plans of what our life would be once I was free. So the day finally comes when I call her with the news that I am getting out, And this is true, She actually tells me, "She can't handle the added stress in her life of me getting out with all the other day to day stress in her life!" So I say, "Well, I sure as hell aint going to stay in prison just to make your life a little less stressful! What? Do you think I'm crazy?" She then told me, "No, I don't think you're crazy, I thought you were Catholic..." When you get out of prison, they give you a bus ticket back to the town where you were originally arrested and a check for whatever amount of money you've earned while on your prison job assignment. So I go into a bank down the block from the bus station to cash my check when I get into town. I decide to have a little fun. First, I go to the receptionist's desk & ask for a job application. When I get to the section dealing with former employment, for my last job held, I list "Prisoner". In the next space for what job I held prior to that, I list "Bank Robber..." As you know, when cashing a check anywhere these days, one is required to present positive identification. So when I get to the bank manager's desk to give him the completed job application, I also hand him my check stating that I need to cash it. When he asked for identification, I hand him my prison I.D. card with my prison photo on it. They cashed my check, but I didn't get the job... So, next it is time to go see my new parole officer, Yeah, you guess it! Another 20 year old zitfaced wonder, and he asked, "Ok, now that you're out of prison, what are you going to do with your life?" I look at him like his hair is on fire and say, "What the hell kind of question is that? What do I plan to do with my life? Gee! I made 75 cents a dayin prison, so given the size of the check they gave me when I was released this morning, I don't know, maybe I should just sell my life to the highest bidder!" I decided right then & there, that my parole officer must be either "special", "intelectually challenged", or perhaps, he was a Cathiolic... Ok, I guess I should clear it up now, that I am NOT anti-Catholic. In fact, I'm not anti-anyone. I simply reserve the right to indiscriminately dislike anyone that I deem to be "stupid", or otherwise annoying. I firmly believe, what's primarily wrong with the world today, is, that there are just far too many "stupid" people running amok! So, a few hours ago, I was a homeless, unemployed man feeling hopless and depressed. So I went out walking & suddenly I saw a comedy club up ahead and I decided to go in, figuring the jokes, and the couple of drinks I'll be able to buy with the last ten dollars in my pocket might cheer me up a little.....

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Comment by Oldman on May 14, 2009 at 8:55am
Unfortunately sounds pretty real life.

"I simply reserve the right to indiscriminately dislike anyone that I deem to be "stupid", or otherwise annoying. "

I am going to remember this line.
Comment by Jason Koontz on May 13, 2009 at 10:29pm
Most of the inmate firefighters I had would have thought this pretty good, I'm sure. I must have missed something.
Comment by Brent A. Ellis on May 13, 2009 at 9:04pm
Paul I certainly mant no offense or disrespect to corrections officers, (as it appears that is what you do). It is a tough job I would imagine. I wrote this simply as a comedy piece, and meant only for it to be humorous. My sincere apology if you were offended by it. Be safe out there.
Comment by Paul Montpetit on May 13, 2009 at 6:23pm
Makes about as much sense as the "cons" I work with....the only question I have is why did I read it....Paul

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