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Let's Talk About Fear...
About a month ago, I got really scared.
We were in a smoky first floor above a basement fire. We didn't know it had burned itself out. We had just entered and had the line at the top of the stairs. I had plenty of air in my SCBA. We really hadn't gone to work yet.
It wasn't even that hot.
All of the sudden, my mind felt like it was 2003 and I was in a bunker with those same missiles being shot at me again. I guess that's what they call a flashback.
Fear. A wave of it washed over me.
I was paralyzed. On one hand, my brain knew what was happening. I was just scared, no big deal. On the other hand, my brain was trying to activate all of the responses that our training tells us are incorrect: stand up, rip that thing off your face, run.
The dictionary lists fear as "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger."
Funny how a definition just doesn't do it justice.
Frankly, this whole situation ticks me off. I've been firefighting for a long time. This was by no means my first fire. It wasn't even a good fire.
A mentor told me once, "Courage isn't the absence of fear; it's doing what you have to do in spite of being afraid."
So in spite of the potential embarrassment or ridicule, I'm going to share this with all of you, 30,000+ strangers.
Why?
Because I really don't want to.
But maybe if you respond, and we all share our stories like this, we'll demystify it.
Maybe we can help that brother or sister who's been struggling with it.
We were in a smoky first floor above a basement fire. We didn't know it had burned itself out. We had just entered and had the line at the top of the stairs. I had plenty of air in my SCBA. We really hadn't gone to work yet.
It wasn't even that hot.
All of the sudden, my mind felt like it was 2003 and I was in a bunker with those same missiles being shot at me again. I guess that's what they call a flashback.
Fear. A wave of it washed over me.
I was paralyzed. On one hand, my brain knew what was happening. I was just scared, no big deal. On the other hand, my brain was trying to activate all of the responses that our training tells us are incorrect: stand up, rip that thing off your face, run.
The dictionary lists fear as "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger."
Funny how a definition just doesn't do it justice.
Frankly, this whole situation ticks me off. I've been firefighting for a long time. This was by no means my first fire. It wasn't even a good fire.
A mentor told me once, "Courage isn't the absence of fear; it's doing what you have to do in spite of being afraid."
So in spite of the potential embarrassment or ridicule, I'm going to share this with all of you, 30,000+ strangers.
Why?
Because I really don't want to.
But maybe if you respond, and we all share our stories like this, we'll demystify it.
Maybe we can help that brother or sister who's been struggling with it.
Add a Comment
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Comment by Jeff Cole on July 30, 2009 at 6:51pm
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I had a serious situation happen some years ago in which I, as well as my partners, thought we we were not getting out. We luckily took control of our fear, but I can tell you it came down to instinct vs. training and experience. My natural instincts were to panic, which would have prevented me from thinking it out. But then after a deep breath, my training and past experiences helped me rationalize, and use my brain to get us out. My primitive thoughts were to just start kicking the walls and everything. Hard to explain to anyone who has never been there. Even though it's all part of the job, it took me a while to get my confidence back. This happened during the later 80's, right after we made a successful 'grab'.
I refuse to work with anyone who has the assinine 'no fear" stickers on their helmets...usually someone with a only a couple years in who does that.
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Comment by Oldman on July 30, 2009 at 5:43pm
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Jason, The one who doesn't feel fear, is a fool.
Perhaps you did have a "flashback". If it was the first time, you might have felt, heard, or smelled something to trigger it. Happens to a lot of those who were "in country". If it continues, then you might consider a little counseling.
You've taken a major step in recognizing a potential issue, and have made an excellent choice in discussing it instead of bottling it up inside, hoping it will go away. The military was never much good at Critical Incident Stress Management. That's one thing the fire service has stressed for several years. Hang in there, after facing rockets and surviving, the rest is gravy.
I salute you for your service.
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Comment by John Schander on July 30, 2009 at 2:16pm
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I've been a FFfor27 years and there are still times when I experience fear. It is nessecary in our line of work. Itis what keeps us alert and keeps us from doing things that will get us or our fellow FF hurt or killed. We do this job in spite of our fears, let's face it it's not normal to run into a fire when everyone else is running away from it. We do this job knowing that we might have to pay the ultimate price to help save a life. Mymentor told me when I first started in the fire service to stay away from someone who knows everything about fighting fires and someone who says that they are never scared, because they will get you hurt or killed. after 27 years I'm still learning and I still get scared.
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