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Funny Jokes
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by anne potter on
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You gotta love a good nurse.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon .... from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week...""" -
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Marriage CounselingA husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.She went on and on. Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."
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Permalink Reply by Mark Montgomery on
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A heart-warming story.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Johnnie Walker Black Label Whiskey and women with big tits.' -
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NOTE FROM A BLONDE FRIEND
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.
Hellloooo?
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo'? (I told him). It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....
He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore. -
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PREGNANT TURKEY STORY(Fiction?) (NO!)
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE! -
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Permalink Reply by Justin Buck on
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Stuttering Problem
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"
The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!" -
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omg lol
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Quote for the day:
“Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.” So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle -
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A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." -
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New Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....
'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.' -
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A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old m an. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No, No, No' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna sh ove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.' -
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Jeff Foxworthy on Upstate New York
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of
ice
and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in
Upstate New York.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights a year
because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, and Syracuse gets more
snow than any other major city in the US , you might live in Upstate, NY.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through May, you might live in
Upstate New York .
If you get 131 inches of snow in a week and you comment that 'winter's
finall
y
here', you might live near Oswego in Upstate New York.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you
might live, bundled up, in Upstate New York.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work
there, you might live in Upstate NY.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have worn shorts and a parka on the same day, you might live in Upstate
New York.
If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong
number, you might live in Upstate New York.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:
"Vacation" means going South past Syracuse for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and
back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without
flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use
them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still20winter, and road
construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Down South to you means Corning.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
You go out for a fish fry every Friday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees "a little chilly." and
55 is shorts weather.
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Upstate
New York friends and to those who used to live here and left. -- (chickens).
The ambulance responds to a snowmobile accident in the beginning of October! -
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