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Funny Jokes
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Permalink Reply by Oldman on
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The fourth day
On the first day,
God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day,
God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day,
God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day,
God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God,
'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves ... For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren ... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. -
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Permalink Reply by anne potter on
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A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us." -
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ATTENTION - ROADS CLOSED THIS WEEKEND
For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised: Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend. Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in Charleston , WV , Louisville , KY , St Louis , MO , Kansas City , MO , and Omaha , NE.
A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore. -
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Permalink Reply by Izzy ( J. Bade) on
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a man has just finished reading the book " How to Be the Man of the House". after paying close attention to every detail, especially the lines regarding having a firm stand in what he demands, and not taking no for an answer, the man marches downstairs to his wife and exclaims; " woman, I am the man of the house..
you WILL get into that kitchen and cook me a 5 course, gourmet meal.
you will then make a sumptuous dessert.
after you are done, you will go upstairs and draw me a bath,
you will wash my back, then leave me to relax and come back downstairs, clean up the kitchen.
when I call for you, you will come back upstairs, go into the bedroom, and you will give me the sex that I want. "
tomorrow morning, who do you think is going to be picking out my clothes, dressing me and doing my hair "?
without hesitiation, the wife responds " the friggin' FuNERAL DIRECTOR would be my first guess !" -
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Getting A Parking Ticket
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local
coffee shop for a snack.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was
this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me,
so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for
having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then
he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more
tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus,
and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers
that said, "Obama '08".
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important for my health. -
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Alright gentleman, here is what the oldman has learned about handling your wife.
Right after I got married (again), I thought I would lay down the law to my wife.
As we were getting ready for bed, I tossed my pants to her and asked her to put them on. She looked at me and replied;
" I can't, they don't fit."
I told her, "that's right, I wear the pants in this house.
A couple of minutes later, she threw me her panties and said, " here, put these on." I looked at those little things and replied, " there's no way I can get into those."
She replied; "that's right, and you remember that until you change your damned attitude". -
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Permalink Reply by Tiffanie Pettis on
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SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
a wealthy business man was gaving an affair with a young italian woman. one night the woman confides in him that she is pregnant with his child.The man gets nervious and offers for her to move back to italy to have the child and raise it untill the child is 18 with him supplying support and a large sum of money to her and the child. she agrees to this offer and askes him how he will know when to start sending payment? he replies, send a post card saying spaghetti,that will be descrete but i will know what it means. - about 9 months later the man gets a call from his wife "honey you recieved the strangest postcard in the mail today and i just don't understand what it is supposed to mean?!". he tells his wife thta he will look at it when he gets home and he will explain it all to her then. the man gets home walks into the kitchen with his wife and starts to read the postcard. his wife watches as his face begins to turn pale and then he faints onto the floor. he read "SPAGHETTI!,SPAGHETTI!,SPAGHETTI!... two with meatballs one without ...send extra SAUCE!!!! -
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haha nice! see the woman always wins so the man should just give up tryin
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OMG!!! that is great!!! hahaha ... ya know i could almost see that happening in my family! my dad would pull somethin like that on my aunt no doubt!
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Permalink Reply by Justin Buck on
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holy crap thats funny lol
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Permalink Reply by Fireyladd - Retired Chief Sharp on
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Funny indeed!
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A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. -
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