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Comment by A.J. on February 27, 2009 at 1:27pm

ive only been doing this for 4 years now and i have seen more things than some do in a lifetime of Fire/EMS/Rescue. back on sept. 19th of 2008 i had to load a Caldwell County Sheriffs deputy Adam William Klutz itno the back of an ambulance after he was shot fatally in the head during a domestic/911 hang up call. he didnt even have a chance. but he did save the life of a woman and her three children. this would have not been as bad if his grandfather hadnt been my preacher for a year and i hadnt known him as well. i havent slept since. well a week later on the 26th we had a van wreck with 8 people entraped the dad was possibly DUI of somthing and one of his kids died the other five had to be taken to higher level care hospital praise God the other 5 kids made full recovery. but i had to carry one of the least hurt children to the back of the ambulance and had to ride in with him and one of his sisters who was in bad shape. and having to hold his hand and tell him it would all be okay when i wasnt for sure it would be. i havent slept good since then but i still get up at 2am or whenever the tones hit because i believe that if your in it for more than 2 or 3 years God put you there for a reason and that reason is Ut Alii Vivant "so others may live"

and not to pry into your personal life but if you want to try to save your marriage please buy the movie Fireproof it will change the way you look at marriage and life. God Bless

#219 A.J. Reid Little River Volunteer Fire Department Lenoir NC

Comment by Oldman on February 27, 2009 at 11:47am

You've taken an important step in recognizing you might be having trouble. Rest assured, you are exhibiting "normal" reactions to situations occurring in your life. A problem occurs when you"shoved my emotions to the back of my existence and ignored them". This is the way wrong answer. If you continue to do this, the problem will only get worse until it consumes you and can ruin your life.

I'll mirror Art and the others. Find someone to talk to about these feelings. It doesn't necessarily have to be a psychologist, although there's nothing wrong with going to one. It could be your pastor, a close friend, or maybe someone in the business who maybe has gone through the same or similar process.

While this website is a forum for people to share ideas, experiences, etc, it probably is not the right venue to try to come to terms with what you are feeling. I think most of us will agree that we can offer suggestions, but is up to you to choose how you are going to deal with it. Are you meant for this profession? Again only you can answer that, but I suggest you come to terms with what has made you ask this question, then after that has been addressed, reevaluate your feelings for this profession. It is just like walking, one step at a time.

Comment by Beverly on February 27, 2009 at 9:10am

We ALL have times when a certain call, or series of calls really gets to us, especially if we are having a tough time off the job or if the call reminds us of something very personal. Please, look into CISD for that accident, or maybe talk to your clergy, they will be able to help resolve the issues in your personal and professional lives. Whatever you do, keep talking, the worst thing you can do is stop talking and pretend it doesn't bother you.
As to that accident, the driver was the one responsible for not wearing the seatbelt...not you. There is not one among us that can save everyone...although we sure like to try!
There are calls that will stick with us forever, some good, some bad, some make us laugh, others make us cry but that is part of the job. As long as you did the best you could to provide a positive outcome then you have nothing to feel bad about.
I think that you are feeling overwhelmed by all the things happening in your life, been there, done that; find something positive to concentrate on. Think about one of the best "saves" you've had or a call that made you smile...those are the most important ones. Take your dog for a walk, if you don't have a dog go to the animal shelter and volunteer to walk one there.
Remember, you have to take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others.

Comment by xxxxxxx on February 27, 2009 at 12:52am

Sometimes I feel the same way as you do my department has no help other than talking with fellow firefighters. I dont know if this helps you and Im sure you have heard this before. Remember you didnt put the victim in this bad place. But you were there to help them. I too have seen things I cant forget. Did my best to save them and my best wasnt good enough but I gave my all. I still sleep well knowing I was there for them. I know what I have said may not help but you are not alone.
I lost my dad in 1998 my only brother 2004 . I now believe in ghost they are not things that go bump in the night. But the memory of lost love ones. Remember your dad is always with you smiling and proud of you.
You are passing though A storm of life and as with all storms it shall pass in time.

Always remember you have the right to be happy with yourself.

May you find the grace and peace that you deserve.
John

Comment by Art "ChiefReason" Goodrich on February 26, 2009 at 8:12pm

Firefighter Cossey:
You have described classis symptoms that will require intervention from a CISD counselor.
Only you can decide whether to continue as a firefighter. However; support can come from many.
This statement of yours'; A few weeks back I got called out to the scene of a car wreck, speaks volumes.
You are a part of a group; a group that supports each other. You don't carry the bad ones by yourself.
It sounds like your personal life is in turmoil. That doesn't help your coping skills.
Talk to someone and consider taking a leave until you get better.
There is no shame in that. It would be prudent under the circumstances.
TCSS.
Art

Comment by Allen Howard on February 26, 2009 at 5:33pm

Christian, this is most important thing I'll say; you are normal!! We all have to go through this at some point. The shit we see would decimate most. BUT we are human. Most of us have some form of guidance available. Where I am its Critical Incident Stress Debriefing. I've seen guys use CISD and go on to enjoy full careers and guys that don't and quit fire and ems within 6mos. You've got so much on your plate right now. EVERY LITTLE BIT adds to what you're feeling right now. I've got "tough guys" right NOW going through divorce and bad economy that are ready to leave the service (one's a 19 yr guy) and they DIDN'T have the crappy call you had to blame it on!! Understand this, you may see the same call 100 times but the time you're at your lowest WILL be the worst. Just by you asking proves you care. Find someone to talk to. Don't rob the service of a compassionate one!

Comment by Robert Owens on February 26, 2009 at 5:02pm

I would suggest speaking to your company officer and seeking let them get you involved with your organizations EAP (employee assistance program) this will give you a network and support system of human resource proffesionals, chaplains, counselors etc.

Everyone deals with things in different ways....my wife who is also involved in EMS accuses me of being cold and unemotional when dealing with calls for service. I belive I show the right level of compassion for the incident....The only thing I honestly care about and put any emotion into is doing a good job....I only get upset when I didn't perfrom to my ability.

So my advice is to get some help and take some time off....when you come back keep your focus on the job and not on the people.