I have alot of demons that chase me around..Now these begin outside the fire service..but because I refuse to face them they affect in all aspects in my life. A wise friend once told me that I had to face these...deal with them...learn from them..and then simply MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! That is what I am going to attempt to do here. I am not one for talking about myfeelings because I am much better at building walls around them and putting on a happy face. Which in turn has gotten me into a horrible depression where I have a hard time dealing with facing daily activities. Often at times I avoid functions at the fire hall and my friends and family, because to put on the happy face and act like nothing is wrong is getting to be just too damn hard! I spend one day around people and then it seems like I need a couple of days just to hide in my house! Hard to explain..but this is my true life now! I have always been good at writting so I am hoping that this will be my outlet to allow some of these feelings out. Right now its like I have put everything into a bottle and it is overfull and completely shaken up and the top is just ready to blow off! My theory here will be to put it out there....once I type it and display it....its out there....even if no body reads this...I did something other than hidding inside myself..If I can't seem to truely open up to my friends and family then maybe just maybe I can open up to this keyboard and begin to let some of this out. I have to say that one of my biggest disappointments right now is that I have been trying to give advice to help out a friend, but the advice I have been giving I have refused to apply to my own life.....hell I flat out refuse to even try..Not that it is bad advice, but I would just rather not face these things because they are just too damn hard..Well you know what..life is just too damn hard and long to carry all of this with me..I want to become the person that I was and the person that I want to be..not just for me, but my children & husband, family & friends, and my department. To tell the truth if you were to ask any of my family and friends that are around me all the time if they saw anyting wrong with me...sad to say they wouldn't know what you were talking about..To everyone around me I am the happy...willing to help everyone..joke around....person they have always known...See I hide my true feelings and problems from everyone..Not because they wouldn't be there for me..but because I would have to open myself up and be vunerable. To me that has never been an option. I have friends here that I could talk to and I do, but we are not face to face....and I know that you cant see my emotions....I am behind my wall of the computer screne and you behind yours! As I type this now I still don't know if I will transfer this out of this program and paste it into my blog at FFN? Not because I am afraid that nobody will read it, but in fear that somebody will read it..Once somebody reads this I cant take it back!!!! Then it will no longer be hidden!! It will be out there and I will have to deal with it........ and so here and now I am declaring to take my life back...to fix it ...change it...to do what ever I have to....to make things better! No matter how long it takes... Jan 21st, 2008