As juggling acts go, I still need alot of practice. When I screw up I screw up big time. But when I get it right ,"OH YEAH, WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW" These last two weeks have been real eye openers for me. What have I learned.......

1. That if a person says that they will teach me something, make sure that they don't have an audience that they are playing too.

2. Memorize, memorize,memorize!

3. Quit bitching about the lack of training and find someone who will teach.

4. That I'm chasing my dream and that I'm not going to let other people throw me under the bus.

5. Master the skill until it becomes a reflex.

6. Trust has to be earned, forgiveness is given for free.

7. That I can be more then I am now, I'm not worthless.

8. Repeat.

This was a real eye opener for me. I had wondered how I would do when it came to seeing my first fatality and working on someone that I know. As fate would have it I got hit with all of the above. The first involved my kids sunday school teacher and her children. Thankfully they were ok other then some scratches. Next day same spot, my first traffic fatality. He looked like he was asleep, other then the blood. I guess what got me more was the people telling me that if it bothered me then I could walk away and no one would feel less of me for that. To me that was an expectation of failure. It didn't bother me but made me curious. It gave me perspective into a mindset that I'm still trying to fully understand. Someone once told me that I was in a no win position. That my past situation was a recipe for disaster. I wasn't going to win no matter what I did. Now I have set a standard for myself that alot of people have told me is incredibly high. I don't see it as high but more like playing catch up. Even though I'm getting divorced, people assume that I know more than what I do because of my ex. That somehow I absorbed his training as my own. It gets so frustrating repeatedly telling people that no one had shown me this or hearing "surely you've heard or you've seen this with him." I knew that it would be hard. Even an uphill battle. In nursing I'm learning how to heal. To help the patient heal themself, or teach their family to help them. In ems I've been learning how to help save a life, what to do to keep them alive to get them on to the ambulance. Maybe I'm just whining. I'm tired of asking for training that I don't believe was ever truly intended but just public brownie points. So now I find myself taking an EMT class so I can truly learn what I need in the field. Once upon a time, along time ago my ex had told me that if I had ever wanted to join I would need to know EMT and firefighter 1 and 2. I thought it was his way of blocking me because he knew at that time I couldn't take those classes. I love all of the stuff I'm learning. I feel incredible blessed by my family and friends. Without them, none of this would be possible. I wouldn't be completely honest if I said it was all for me. But also for my kids and also to show that I could do it. It's like being awake for the first time. In the fire department I feel like I'm doing, not watching. As a student nurse, people treat you differently in the hospital then when your in jeans and a t shirt. Its a world that I love and hope to teach my children that they can be a part of too. Its a world that's not always fair, but not always out to get you either. I try not to be bitter, but its hard sometimes. I feel like I finally found myself, that I can be happy. But I'm scared of letting myself and the people that I love down. I guess that's just me being insecure. So thats my whining for the day.