I don't know how your department categorizes its interior firefighters vs. exterior-only in terms of accountability tags, but in my department....green means "Go" and red means "exterior only" . I've been working hard toward getting my interior tags since I started, and was informed last week that I had finally reached that last bastion of holydom, also known as "cleared for interior attack".

Make no mistake, by achieving this goal, in no sense did I feel that I was prepared emotionally or physically to roll up on a scene, grab an attack line and have a CLUE as to what I should be doing. When it comes to the fire service, I put my normal "take charge" personality in park (much as it hurts me) and do whatever I'm told. I enjoy being just one of the crew, and I get off on not having to make the big decisions. I do plenty of that in my paid position....Monday through Friday (or more) 365 days of the year. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE ....let me say this one more time with feeling.....freaking LOVE what I do for a living. BUT...it's nice to let someone else be in charge sometimes.

So we had drill tonight...and I knew we were going to the burn tower....but I hadn't officially gotten my clearance tags yet, so although I dressed appropriately for going in, I didn't bet the ranch on it. Chief came out and addressed the bevy of firefighters milling about (our turn out for basic drills is impressive, our turn out when we're involved in playing with actual fire is astonishing) and announced that we would be proceeding to the burn tower and to await further instructions.

Gulp.

I get to my locker....start to get geared up, and then look at my coat and realize that my red tags have magically turned green. I'm IN.....I've been cleared, OFFISHULLY. I blush, I smile, I suppress a giggle...and then turn to my buddy Ron who has also just been cleared, and with no shame whatsoever admit that we war-whooped, high-fived, and did a little end-zone dance.

Ok, I'm a little nervous...I've had plenty of hose time, but it's all been with exterior burns or screwing around playing target games. This, for me, is the real deal. I've seen enough "training gone wrong" videos on YouTube and even the Nation to know that an interior live burn training is not to be taken lightly, nor is it a game. Firefighters have occasionally been faced with "what happens when things go horribly wrong" during training exercises, and I was keenly mindful of that.

We gathered at the Tower and Chief announced "we've got two new green tags tonight, so lets do a walk-through and then when we're done, I want two attack line teams, one fronted by Ron and the other by Mary Ellen, , but accompanied by line officers" .

Holy Crap.

Not only am I going in for the first time, I'm on the tip.

Major Butterflies.

My Captain, who I would follow into hell if he asked me to....I trust him implicitly, elaborates that I will be manning the tip on three active fires on the first floor, while Ron will be manning the secondary line and hitting two fires on the second floor. Thumbs up all around, and we go on air. We get the signal to advance from the Chief, I take a huge breath, drop to my knees. and in we go.

The entire experience was.....in a word....Lyrical. Fire is mesmerizing, hypnotic, and strangely beautiful when viewed from close up behind a nozzle. Once my initial "holy god, what the hell do I think I'm doing" response subsided, and I stopped gulping air like a suicidal goldfish in an out-of-tank experience, I settled into a really weird zone. I could hear my captain talking to me, and talking me through the experience, and based on his post-burn reports, I handled myself really well...but for about ten minutes...I had this really calm, surreal experience. We hit the first fire and they had me just rest on my knees, charged line in hand, and just observe...."look at the smoke, watch the ceiling, look for escape routes, feel for potential victims, take stock, be aware, talk to your partner" .....had me feel the true heat of a fire, and start really thinking on my feet, or my knees as this situation warranted.

We knocked down two of the three fires....and then Tim, one of our most experienced guys says to me (jn that muffled SCBA =speak---I'm still surprised I got what he was saying) ---"Have you ever heard Pat Travers sing "Boom Boom, Out Go the Lights?" ...to which my immediate internal response was ....WTF???? Then I could hear the song in my head, and I screeched back..."Yes, why?" .....he said....."Girl, when you hit that last fire, it's gonna be ...Boom, Boom, Out Go the Lights....do NOT panic, I'll be right behind you and I've got your back" .

And so it was.

Pitch black, smoke swirling in the light cast from Tim's helmet light.....and me basically remembering where the fire was and directing the stream at it....until we got the ok from our Captain to pull the line back.

We stripped down outside the Tower....and hit the water cooler on the back of our brush truck and talked over the scenario...what felt right, what felt awkward, was I scared (and I'm not embarrassed to admit that while I wasn't scared, I was on an internal "high alert" adrenaline fueled rush) , was I ok with how it went down etc. Then Tim says... "So......what didya think about going in?"

That was, for the record, the MOST EXCITING, INTENSE, SCARY, LIFE AFFIRMING AND PASSION-INDUCING 17 MINUTES OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING else compares. Nothing.

Bring it, I'm ready for the next challenge.

Until then, stay safe...and wear your seatbelt. I do.