Ok, this is my first time writing a blog here... I would like to write this just to keep my journal for the end of the special year, 2007.
2007 was the most devastating year to me in my life. When I joined this website, I was married, but about two months later, I became widowed suddenly. Since then I have been struggling with my life, it has been a little over three months, but I feel like I lef myself as well at the time when he went home, and I still have not figured out who I am yet. I laugh, I smile, I talk, I argue, I am alive but feel emptiness...
When my husband was found unconscious and transported to the hospital, all the people came to the hospital to support me, I was grateful to be a member of this FD. I did not have to be alone.
What makes me sad is...after he died, nothing has changed in the world but around me. Everyone got back in their lives, having fun, laughing, spending great time with their family on holidays..., just it keeps going on. Yes, I know it is natural, but to me as a widow, it is very hard to see...why me? why do I have to go through this at this young... I could not understand and never will.
My husband, Mike was a great guy, sweet, extremely smart, funny, lovely guy, handsome, caring...he was nearly perfect except dying so early. He was the guy who influenced most on my life ever. We met each other in Japan, and I came to US to become his wife, he always encouraged me for everything I tried to do. He supported me to go through EMT school, being a volunter FF for a year, then working for this FD.
Now he is gone, I am still here in US by myself with no family, although the reason why I was here is gone...I feel very strange, very weired. But I am here because I love this job, I am here because I want to work with my FD family...that is why I am here.
It is sad to send the year 2007 off, because the year when Mike was alive is now gone, and never come back.
Well, I guess that is enough for now. I hope to find a new hope, strength and the reason to live during next year.
Wishing all of you the best and the safe new year....

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Comment by Jim on July 4, 2008 at 4:14pm
Hello Mari, I know that there are no words that make all this any better. But I am sorry for your lose. You will have many folks express to you that you need to just move on. That will come in all due time, and don't try to until your ready. Also don't be surprised when you try, that it just doesn't work out. Find a good place you can go to and just enjoy the beauty of that special place. Time is a great healer, it just takes time, and don't let anybody hurry you. Know that there are lots of brothers out there who are glad to lend you a shoulder and just listen. It sounds like you have a great project, getting two cultures together, that is very worthwhile. Just sent you a request. Stay safe and most of all take care of yourself. Jim
Comment by Kelly Joe Aylor on May 27, 2008 at 7:31pm
I'm sorry for your loss. I pray you find happiness and your way in the world.
Comment by Capkurt on January 6, 2008 at 5:04pm
I hope time going by eases the hurt.
Comment by Hayward Dewey Pack JR on January 4, 2008 at 8:05am
Yw for the message and any time you feel the need that you need someone to talk to this about feel free to email me. I am an good listner and can relate to how you feel as well in an round about manner.
Comment by Mari York on January 4, 2008 at 12:49am
Hi Hayward,
I am so sorry for your loss too. Yes, it is very hard... i try to read books about the grieving but everytime I open and start reading, it makes me cry and cannot read to get better...

I wish you a peaceful and safe year...

Thanks for the message.
Comment by Hayward Dewey Pack JR on January 3, 2008 at 9:44am
I under stand how you feel I lost my mother this year and the feeling is the same. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. All we can do is hold our heads up high and keep moving on with our lives just like they would want for us to do.

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