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Notes from a Rookie Firefighter
Notes from a Rookie Firefighter...February 22, 2009
Forgive me for writing a post that has nothing to do with firefighting. It has to do with drama and decisions.
My family is in crisis. Crisis over what has happened to our lives for two years of drugs and mood/bipolar. This past week, my 15 year old couldn't take the stress anymore and I had to bring him to the hospital. He told me he was feeling unsafe. As someone who doesn't open up very often, I took this rather seriously as his depression pops up now and then but with the negativity swirling around us, the poor kid couldn't take it anymore.
So I settle him down, have him see a doctor, and then last night I found out my daughter was huffing whipped cream. Yes, you read this right. The shelter had an ice cream party and they caught her. She then proceeded to threaten a staff member. Lo and behold, a police officer called me a half hour later saying they were moving her to the Detention Center which is the next building from the shelter and right across the street from the Fire Academy. I sat and cried for a long time, and then spoke to one of the detention workers about what was coming up. My daughter cried to me too, that she didn't know why she did such an impulsive thing. I was so frozen and sad inside I had to have my husband go over the entire conversation with the detention worker.
Today was his turn to deal with this painful issue. He had to go to the detention center. Poor guy just broke down about it tonight. I didn't say how I've been doing the shelter court and juvenile court for months now, negotiating with the school for tutoring, have seen the episodes of her threatening to kill herself in the shelter bathroom or at home, banging walls, crumbled up on the floor. No, I'm just saying it in this blog so I don't go insane with thinking the thoughts in my head.
I go to court again tomorrow. Last week I worried all week about her coming home at 18. Probation had said homeless shelter or home since she refused residential treatment. Well today I became empowered. I have a 15 and an 11 year old. I made the decision to say she can't come home, not until she is totally off drugs, even if she runs away. I spoke to an interventionist from Arizona. She said I had had enough.
I am truly frightened. This child is an almost 18 year old with the mental capacity of an 11 year old unless it's involving drugs. She doesn't even know her home phone number.
All this happened and I still went to the firehouse at 4:00 for my usual green tea while the older guys who are like my father rolled into one drink sodas. One of the guys asked me what was happening with my daughter. I briefly told him what's going on this week and he told me exactly what I was thinking of doing tomorrow. He said I did all I could. The thing about telling some of the guys your secrets at the firehouse is that so many of them have seen everything that nothing shocks them. They only help me swallow my anxiety and also help me be strong. And then we talk about some mundane thing like the golf game on TV or planning a firehouse dinner next week.
I am going to have to go to court myself tomorrow. And I am going to have to be strong again, for the rest of my family. Drugs were never part of my life nor my husband's life. We always followed the law, helped our neighbor, volunteer in our community. I can't understand why I didn't impart that on our daughter, or maybe I just didn't impart it yet. Only time can tell.
Again, I am sorry for blogging something so personal, and I hope no one thinks I am asking for sympathy. It's the only outlet I get for these intense feelings, besides a cup of green tea at 4:00 with 4 dads.
Thank you.
PS Sometimes strength is not shown on the outside, but on the inside.
Forgive me for writing a post that has nothing to do with firefighting. It has to do with drama and decisions.
My family is in crisis. Crisis over what has happened to our lives for two years of drugs and mood/bipolar. This past week, my 15 year old couldn't take the stress anymore and I had to bring him to the hospital. He told me he was feeling unsafe. As someone who doesn't open up very often, I took this rather seriously as his depression pops up now and then but with the negativity swirling around us, the poor kid couldn't take it anymore.
So I settle him down, have him see a doctor, and then last night I found out my daughter was huffing whipped cream. Yes, you read this right. The shelter had an ice cream party and they caught her. She then proceeded to threaten a staff member. Lo and behold, a police officer called me a half hour later saying they were moving her to the Detention Center which is the next building from the shelter and right across the street from the Fire Academy. I sat and cried for a long time, and then spoke to one of the detention workers about what was coming up. My daughter cried to me too, that she didn't know why she did such an impulsive thing. I was so frozen and sad inside I had to have my husband go over the entire conversation with the detention worker.
Today was his turn to deal with this painful issue. He had to go to the detention center. Poor guy just broke down about it tonight. I didn't say how I've been doing the shelter court and juvenile court for months now, negotiating with the school for tutoring, have seen the episodes of her threatening to kill herself in the shelter bathroom or at home, banging walls, crumbled up on the floor. No, I'm just saying it in this blog so I don't go insane with thinking the thoughts in my head.
I go to court again tomorrow. Last week I worried all week about her coming home at 18. Probation had said homeless shelter or home since she refused residential treatment. Well today I became empowered. I have a 15 and an 11 year old. I made the decision to say she can't come home, not until she is totally off drugs, even if she runs away. I spoke to an interventionist from Arizona. She said I had had enough.
I am truly frightened. This child is an almost 18 year old with the mental capacity of an 11 year old unless it's involving drugs. She doesn't even know her home phone number.
All this happened and I still went to the firehouse at 4:00 for my usual green tea while the older guys who are like my father rolled into one drink sodas. One of the guys asked me what was happening with my daughter. I briefly told him what's going on this week and he told me exactly what I was thinking of doing tomorrow. He said I did all I could. The thing about telling some of the guys your secrets at the firehouse is that so many of them have seen everything that nothing shocks them. They only help me swallow my anxiety and also help me be strong. And then we talk about some mundane thing like the golf game on TV or planning a firehouse dinner next week.
I am going to have to go to court myself tomorrow. And I am going to have to be strong again, for the rest of my family. Drugs were never part of my life nor my husband's life. We always followed the law, helped our neighbor, volunteer in our community. I can't understand why I didn't impart that on our daughter, or maybe I just didn't impart it yet. Only time can tell.
Again, I am sorry for blogging something so personal, and I hope no one thinks I am asking for sympathy. It's the only outlet I get for these intense feelings, besides a cup of green tea at 4:00 with 4 dads.
Thank you.
PS Sometimes strength is not shown on the outside, but on the inside.
Add a Comment
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Comment by Denise Imperiale on February 23, 2009 at 4:02pm
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Hi Karen, thank you for taking the time to write this. Stay tuned for my next column. I am just very numb right now, got back from court. But we got what we wanted. Denise
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Comment by FlightRNKaren on February 23, 2009 at 1:14pm
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Your story really touched me and I am so sorry you are having to go through this nightmare... I am reminded of my sister Roni and her 16 year old daughter Jessica... Jessica was being rebellious as alot of teenagers are but she had gone above and beyond rebellion when she stole her fathers car (with her sister Christina..) They were soon spotted by local police who tried to pull them over but Jessica punched the gas and took off... She eventually cashed the car in a culvert and in the process she had destroyed the undecarriage and burned up the engine... After that...things were very strained between mother and daughter... One day....they got into a shouting match and it deterioated rapidly... Unable to control herself any longer and she hit Jessica... It turned into a physical fight and Aunt Karen was the one stuck trying to break up the 2 of them... Roni being upset the way she was turned and called the police... When they showed up...they were very rude to Jessica telling her she had to abide by Ronis rules... When she refused to do that...the officer placed Jessica under arrest and took her to the local detention center... When she went to court...the judge ordered that Jessica be put in a behavioral rehab... She was released 3 months later and was a totallly different person when she returned home... I can't say that it will have the same affect on your daughter that it did on Jessica....but you have to try... Before it's too late....
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Thank you everyone for your comments. Even though I have a week, I will try to push today for rehab. I don't have a say in a week according to the state laws, but I have been trying and will try today. Thank you for not making me feel so alone.
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Comment by Mark Klaene on February 22, 2009 at 11:19pm
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1st know that you are not alone out there. Others have and are going through similar issues with their children
2nd Love your kids and tell them you love them
3rd remember Love hurts -- sometimes to love someone you have to do something that might make them hate you (temporarily) Stick to your convictions , I have faith that what you think is right for them , probably is .
Lastly seek help of those in the profession, they really can help (both you and your kids) You have to hang in there for yourself and for them. You can't help your children if you fall apart. You have a life and a career so don't forget about your needs now and then.
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Comment by Guerrerita on February 22, 2009 at 9:11pm
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Wow. Denise - if this girl is ALMOST 18, she is still a minor. If I were you, I would seize that opportunity, before the window closes, to have her involuntarily admitted to a drug rehabilitation center. Once she is emancipated - you cannot force her to do what you know to be in her best interest, and no child knows what is in their best interest, especially one on drugs. Whether the drugs caused the mental problems, or the mental problems caused her to use drugs - step one is to push her into rehab. It will give her the greatest shot of becoming drug free. Good doctors can evaluate her as to whether she is in need of psychiatric drugs (if she is depressed or bipolar - well, yes. But these "conditions" could actually be manifestations of drug abuse, and not intrinsic. Leave it up to highly-qualified medical doctors to evaluate this.)
Do not let her 18th birthday come before you have pushed her into rehab, I strongly suggest. I also would suggest you find and join a support group, or individual counseling to help you and your family cope with this. It is not easy to shelter and protect one child, when doing so endangers others. Also, there is a point at which you cannot (sad to say but it is true and you know it) shelter and protect a child who is unable or unwilling to utilize your help. The best you can possibly do is to arrange the best possible professional care for her now, while it is still your choice and not hers. And then you have to leave her in God's hands. Here is rocket blow to our egos as parents: we are not the cause of everything that our children do and everything that happens to them. They are born with their OWN brain chemistry, and personalities, and souls. They have experiences outside of our direct actions! All anyone can do is their best. And if, looking back, you can HONESTLY say you would have done x, y, or z differently (and which of us parents does not say that sometimes), you probably know that while you were doing x, y, or z you were doing your darned best. Maybe now that you are older and more experienced than you were at the time, you could say "I wish I did that differently." But you did the best you could possibly do at the time. And if you can do better now, great. And in the future, we'll do better still. If we can give our children our very best at every moment in time (even when our "best" sometimes sucks - speaking for all of us as parents; we're not infallible), we can stand up at heaven's gates and say "You gave me these babies, and I can honestly say I gave everything I had to honor Your trust and faith in me. I have done everything I can to help bring out the best inside them." We are not God, Denise. Were we omnipotent, no child anywhere would suffer. And they all do. At some point, every child experiences suffering. Find me the human who hasn't. Get her into treatment while you can force it. Your window is closing. Provide her the best opportunity you can give her, but know this truth: you save yourself, or you remain unsaved.
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