An older blog of mine but thought I would share it with those who can truly relate.

The picture you see above is one of many that I took last year during the worst wildfire season in recent Texas history. The orange glow you see isn't the sun going down, it's flames on the horizon. Over 1 million acres burned in a 5 day period. My husband and countless other firefighters risked their lives to protect this part of the world, to keep our way of life from being totally destroyed. So many lives were lost, including several firemen, yet these men still go out every time they are called. They know the risk they are taking.They know that it may be the last time they ever kiss their wife or hug their children, but they go anyway. If they didn't, who would?

Last night my husband, Wes, got called out on a mutual aide call in Hollis, OK. It was the middle of the night, lightening from the storm blowing through flashing all around, and without a seconds hestiation he kissed me good-bye and was out the door. As I lie there in the darkness on his side of the bed, feeling the warm spot where he had just been, I prayed that God would keep him safe and bring him home to me, like he has done so many times before.

Then the fear set in. The ever present fear of what if. What if he gets hurt, what if he doesn't come back? Let me tell you in a heart beat you can go from being absolutely fine with the world to being a scared little kid looking for mommy in a store. You just feel lost and helpless when the fear takes over. Try as you may, and Lord knows I do pretty good most of the time, at some point that fear is going to grab a hold of you and not want to let go.

During the wildfires last Spring, I didn't see my husband for nearly 4 days. It was probably the hardest 4 days of my life. I had 5 kids at home worried sick about Dad and trying to be strong for me and the whole time I was trying to be strong for them! They are a fireman's kids and they understand that Dad may not always be able to be around but what he does is beyond important. They are all just as proud of him as I am. But they all worry just the same , too. 4 days is an lifetime when your waiting. I don't think I ate hardly anything and I know I didn't sleep but I fought the fear off that time as best I could. For my kids sake.

I guess perhaps that's why last night when my heart was racing and my mind just wouldn't stop thinking the worst, it surprised me. I have made it through so many night and days without letting it control me and yet last night, I was that little lost kid and all I wanted was Wes home, snoring in my ear. I just wanted his arms around me while I slept. He's my security blanket I guess. Without him I don't know what I do. But I know that with God's grace I may never have to figure that out.

I didn't tell him when he came in that I had cried in to his pillow and had been awake the whole time. He always needs to talk when he gets in and it's my job to listen. That's what I did. He knows that I am scared of losing him even though we don't talk about it. He also knows that I would never make him give up what he does for my own selfish reasons. We don't need to talk about it, he just knows. He's a damn good fireman and he would never do something to put his life at risk or anyone else's for that matter. I just had to remind myself of that over and over again last night.

Funny thing is, when he walked in to our bedroom last night, the fear just left. Just like that...gone. Amazing isn't it what a fireman that loves you can do for you? These men are heroes, not just to the public but to their families as well. I think so anyway. Life goes on....and it's a good life, ya'll!