1). AMBULANCE DRIVER = usually an EMT or EMT-I and
Paramedic. Right... What the F is that? EMT is
EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIAN. EMT-I is that same, but
an INTERMEDIATE Level, and Paramedic is the highest
level of Emergency Medical Service provider
certifiable.

2). EMS. EMS is not one word, it is E.M.S. Meaning
Emergency Medical Services. (Contrary to the common
believe that it stands for Earn Money Sleeping or
Extra Marital Sex).

3). EMT's can perform BASIC LEVEL CARE, EMT-I's can
perform a level above that...start ivs, intubate
people, give a few medications...and PARAMEDICS are
the ones that can do it all, ADVANCED LIFE SUPPORT.
Terminology lesson: Para=Before Medic=Doctor.
Paramedic=BEFORE DOCTOR.

* With that out of the way, the following is what the
person you call AMBULANCE DRIVER does on a daily
basis.

4). That "AMBULANCE DRIVER" is they guy, or girl that
can give you drugs, through an IV started in your
vein, that will stop your heart, yes thats right STOP
YOUR HEART. Hopefully it will restart in a better
condition than before we stopped it.

5). That "AMBULANCE DRIVER" is the person that will
start that IV in your arm, or neck, or hand, or leg,
or bone...BONE? Oh yeah, that guy you know as
ambulance driver...they can take a device and put a
needle in your bone to use as a last resort "IV."

6). That ambulance driver is the guy that if you get
in a wreck and receive a pneumothorax (collapsed lung
due to air build up)...that ambulance driver can put a
needle through your chest in the intercostal space of
your ribs to DECOMPRESS the pneumothorax allowing
trapped air to escape.

7). That same person is the one, that if you or your
child quits breathing...can (using a "blade")put a
tube in their throat and with skill, pass it through
their vocal cords and into their trachea creating a
secure airway and allowing another ambulance driver to
breath for you using a BVM connected to 100% o2.

8). Speaking of children, you know when your driving
along and you see this square thing come up behind
you, and its making noise and has flashing
lights...and you dont want to pull over because you
are running late for work, or because some other
ambulance cut you off and your pissed at all ambulance
drivers nation wide. WELL CONGRATULATIONS, thats the
ambulance enroute to your kids daycare because they
got stung by a bee that they were allergic to, and now
their throat is closing up and they are no longer able
to breathe. Thats the ambulance that has medication,
equipment, and the trained people on board to stop and
reverse the allergic reaction on scene or on the way
to the hospital that is 45 minutes away.

9). HEART TROUBLES? How about, NO HEART BEAT, DEAD,
DRT (DEAD RIGHT THERE)...that ambulance driver
guy...thats the guy that can legally shock you with up
to 360 joules of electricity in attempt to start you
heart again. PS on this one...EVERYONE THAT GOES INTO
CARDIAC ARREST DOES NOT GET SHOCKED! So if we don't
shock, dont think we don't know what we are doing.
Rescue 911 is over, thats the only place everyone gets
shocked. We are PARAMEDICS, not God (we have to get
the walking on water thing down, then we may talk
about changing names)...um, Lord, Forgive me, but we
DON'T bring every dead person back to life.

10). Curious to know how we know what to shock? Okay.
Ventricular Fibrillation (V-Fib) is shocked, Pulseless
Ventricular Tachycardia (V-Tach) is shocked. That's it
scooter. You only get 2 rhythms that get shocked, or
DEFIBRILATED. Rescue 911 didnt tell you that did they?

11). Oh, if your loved one is laying in the floor,
clutching their chest saying "IT HURTS" and you call
the ambulance drivers to come load him up and rush him
to the hospital, think again, he is in Unstable
V-Tach. Sounds bad huh, dont worry, that ambulance
driver came with more than an ambulance and drivers
license, they have their defibrilator with them, while
he is conscious just laying in the floor in an
unstalbe rhythm, determined by the paramedic, from the
rhythm shown on the cardiac monitor, your loved one is
about to receive 50-100 joules. ELECTRICITY, known as
CARDIOVERSION, hopefully saying to the heart. "SLAP
act right!" Maybe they will get a little valium before
hand, but probally not, especially if you called us an
ambulance driver.

12). OH, in case your the guy that has been beating
the CRAP out of your 3 year old, becuase he is a 30
year old acting like a 3 year old, that ambulance
driver is the guy that will pick up on CHILD ABUSE and
get your 3 year old put in a better place. Little
Johnny says: "SPANK AWAY DADDIO" cause he knows that
ambulance driver is just going to drive on over for
"burns" (because Little Johnny pulled hot boiling
water off the stove and somehow managed to burn the
back of his legs) and knows whats REALLY going on and
get Little Johnny in a better home.

13). That Ambulance Driver is the one who knows how to
drive safe in bad weather. They have to come get you
from your car, that is now upside down through a
house, and take you to the hospital, yep thats it,
just drive you to the hospital. NOT. You get the full
meal deal, or FULLY PACKAGED. C-collar, back board,
head rolls, all that jazz plus a few straps snugged in
here or there. And because you were silly and werent
wearing your seat belt you were thrown from the side
window and landed against a tree. Which is the reason
your bone is sticking out of your leg and you feel
weak because you have lost TONS of blood. Thats okay,
we will just start 2 14 gauge IV's in you maybe in
your arm or neck or somewhere so we can get that fluid
replaced...

14). Another thing, if you called those ambulance
drivers because your mom had a heart attack 3 years
ago and shes showing the same symptoms now like she
did 3 years ago, don't be alarmed if your mom all of a
sudden falls and you see that ambulance driver check
for a pulse then rare back and punch the shit out of
her right smack in the ticker. Thats okay, we are
trained professionals, we're are not beating up dead
granny cause she died on us, we are knocking the heart
out of the fatal rhythm its in. She will be breathing
again and talking very soon. Bye.

** Enough of what we do...now I want you to take a few
things into consideration when you call those
Ambulance Drivers Ambulance Drivers.***

1. We (Paramedics) went to school for about 2 years to
get where we are. Thats not bad right? Not until you
consider that a Registered Nurse went to school for
the same amount of time, and in some places is making
double what a paramedic is. Thats understandable
though, that NURSE is working their ass off in the air
conditioned ER. Never mind the Paramedic that makes
less than you is outside, in the rain, upside down in
a vehicle holding c-spine while his paramedic partner
is on the other side, upside down, in the rain,
intubating the trapped patient because the Fire
Department hasn't made it there yet, and their pt isnt
breathing. Understand Im not knocking nurses...for
crying out loud, they make almost twice as much as a
paramedic and have to put up with taking orders from a
doctor. (PSST, the paramedic you are calling an
ambulance driver has to make split second decisions,
such as what drug he should give you, of the 60 + he
knows by memory, or what he can't give you because you
are allergic to sulfa drugs, and nitrates).

2. In most cases, your average ambulance driver works
24 hrs on and 48 hrs off. Sure we get to sleep. But at
3 in the morning when your drunk neighbor decides to
come in and play BANG BANG with you, we are the
sleeping guy that has to get woke up in the 2 minutes
it takes to get to your house and be able to act
QUICKLY to keep you alive, all while trying to
preserve the crime scene.

3. Also, isn't it nice to sit down and eat a nice
dinner with your family. And you see those 2 ambulance
drivers sitting next to you and you say to yourself
"wow, that must be nice, eating out and getting paid"
Think again turbo, hear that noise, thats not the
dinner bell, thats dispatch paging them out to a
church bus rollover with 19 patients, I would like to
point out its 7PM and there is no food in front of
them, oh and at lunch time, they were taking Sue Ann
to Shreveport because she is only 20 weeks pregnant
and already contracting.

4. If you see an ambulance coming up behind you, move
over TO THE RIGHT HAND SIDE..NO MATTER HOW MANY LANES
OF TRAFFIC THERE ARE, they could very well be going to
a car wreck with your family in it. Or a football game
your son was playing until he was tackled and
fractured his spine.

5. If you are passing a wreck scene and you see
patients laid out all over the ground...don't stop and
look, and DEFINATELY dont keep driving and look at the
same time. One it is SUPER Rude and inhumane to stare
at something like that, and two, those 2 ambulance
drivers cannot deal with you wrecking because they are
the only ambulance around for 20 miles, and already
have 7 critical patients.

6. Go back and think about some of the things I said
the ambulance drivers can do, Intubated you (put a
tube in your throat), give you drugs to stop your
heart, give you medicines to cause vaso dialation so
your chest pain eases, put a needle in your chest to
relieve your pneumothorax...remember those, take a
wild guess at who else can do that to you...GIVE UP?
Well its not the milk truck driver, in fact, just
about the ONLY other person that can do a majority of
a PARAMEDICS skills is a MEDICAL DOCTOR, yeah, thats
it, not a NURSE or Fireman. MEDICAL FREAKIN DOCTOR
WITH 12 YEARS OF SCHOOL!

7. Remember hearing on the news about that plane
crash? Remember everyone saying Thank your local
fireman and policemen, DO THAT, but also try and
remember the PARAMEDICS and EMTS that were there also,
keeping the survivors alive.

8. Yes, support your troops, pray for our troops, all
that...but don't forget about the AMBULANCE DRIVERS
that are just next door doing CPR on your neighbor
Bert.

9. If you are pregnant go to the Doctor. You do not
want to be like Shaqueesha was when she delivered her
first baby in the back of an ambulance, and Jeff "The
Ambulance Driver "says to Randy "The AMBULANCE DRIVER"
PULL OVER NOW, she's having ANOTHER. Yeah, little
shaqueesha nor her baby's daddy knew she was having
twins, because she didnt go to the doctor. But happy
ending... Dequarian and Ludacris Sebastian Chow Chow
Tay Tay are doing just fine.

10. If you are in walmart and see cashier Cathy have a
seizure don't stick a spoon in her mouth, i PROMISE
she will not swallow her tongue. Disagree? Ok. Swallow
your tongue, yes do it now........Yeah LOOK HERE...YOU
CANNOT SWALLOW YOUR TONGUE! Oh, but when those
ambulance drivers show up, and they say EXCUSE
ME...MOVE OUT OF THE F'ING WAY! We are the freaking
AMBULANCE DRIVERS, let us in.

11. If you are the person sitting here reading this
thinking Wow, they can do a lot, I could save money
and just have those nice little ambulance drivers come
to my house, treat me and leave. WRONG. We do really
drive ambulances, and we all have one rule, if you
call us you go, ABSOLUTELY NEVER will we give you
medicine or treatment on scene and leave.

12. Yes, I said we will take you to the hospital, but
DO NOT call us because your toe hurts, or you have an
earache. GO TO THE DOCTOR IN THE MORNING, but, If it
is an emergency to you, don't wait till 3 am to call,
do it at a decent hour, and we will come pick you up,
take you to the hospital, drop you off, then cuss you
and make fun of you for getting yourself a $800 bill
all because you kicked the step to your trailer house
and your toe hurts, we understand you don't have a car
to drive to the hospital because your baby's daddy is
in it working at Food Dog.

13. Remember, try not to piss your "Ambulance Driver"
off, we don't have to give you valium, morphine or any
of that other stuff, it really is our decision. Oh,
and we are also the ones that decide what size IV to
start, small size or garden hose size. AND IF YOU EVER
SPIT ON ME...you will get a oxygen mask on your face
with NO oxygen attatched, yeah, i dont get spit on and
you get that whole suffocation effect. Oh, is that you
that fakes passing out? We have ammonia stinky caps to
fix that.

14. Try not to vomit in the presence of your ambulance
driver, or in the ambulance, cause if your ambulance
driver is like me or some others, we will puke too,
that is what makes us sick, not brains splattered on
us, but the smell of your vomit, and it is vomit, not
VOMIK.

15. Don't call 911 and try to talk in Ambulance talk,
it does you no good to tell us you need an ambulance
code 3. We decide that tonto. not you.

16. If you call an ambulance and have big dogs, put
them away. We do not come in if there are big dogs
barking at us. Also, another thing you can do, CLEAN
YOUR FLIPPING PIG STY. We cannot maneuver our
stretcher in through your tiny house to get 500 lb
Bubba from the back room when you have shit strolled
everywhere.

17. If you call us and are really not sick, remember
you are taking an ambulance away from someone that
really needs it, we are not going to stay and talk and
discuss if you are going, you are or you arent. If you
are, your walking to the ambulance, my back hurts, im
not lifting you because you have fever.

Okay, Im tired of this...im sure i could go on
forever, but I dont want it to be too long.

REMEMBER: We do drive ambualnces, but we do a little
more.
Tell your AMBULANCE DRIVERS thank you every now and
then, cause once again, people going back and meeting
people and saying thank you is only a fairy tale from
Rescue 911. It rarely happens.

Did you notice some of the terminology used? Yeah,
your average UPS driver doesnt know that.

If you ever have to call 911, do not be rude to the
dispatcher, they are the ones who tell the ambulance
driver to go to you. Give them directions, answer
their questions, and everything will be okay. Yes, the
questions get annoying, but I promise you, that is not
keeping an ambulance from coming to you in a real life
emergency, the dispatcher is not on the ambulance. Oh,
and DO NOT, EVER ask a 911 dispatcher if they can
hold, you called 911, WE DO NOT Hold! If you do that
to me, I can PROMISE you I will hang up on your rude
ass. Another note on calling 911, most dispatch
centers do not have a EBONICS translator on duty,
EVER. You need to speak slow and clear. And my LORD,
if someone is having a seizure, do not freak out, they
will stop in a few seconds and be ok. Know what else?
if it was a real seizure, im sure they pissed their
self and maybe even a little poo...check it out.

*DISCLAIMER: In no way am I trying to make AMBULANCE
DRIVERS look like heros, but I am indeed pointing out
that it is, to some, a little insulting to be called
an Ambulance Driver. Try EMT or Paramedic. Nurses are
cool, Rescue 911 is cool. Paramedics and EMT's will
always be cooler.

Thank you for reading,


PS. If you are or are not affiliated with EMS, please
re-post this, my goal in this posting is to somehow
reach out to the uneducated people living in trailer
homes (trailers are homes), or regular homes that
AMBULANCE DRIVERS are more than Ambulance Drivers,
dont abuse them.