Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Barbara Nelson on May 14, 2008 at 11:57pm

Maybe they are afraid someone will spread a rumor. There are people like that out there. Maybe you could get to know their wives? I talk to the other FF wives and get along with them. Did you only join for the social aspect or to help your community or because you like the work? Maybe you could recruit some of your friends? You will always have ups and downs as people come and go in the department. You need to figure out why you are there and work with that.

Permalink Reply by Jojo on May 15, 2008 at 11:31am

It can be hard I was going through something similar with my old department slowly they were starting to include me as well though, You do have to be careful though the first guy who invited me to go out with him and a few of the guys on a Saturday night had rumors about us by the meeting on Monday I even got pulled aside by the chief and told that he didn't approve of dating with in his department. Well Mitch invited me the next weekend anyways and I went things slowly got better. I also get along really well with some of the guys wives makes things a little easier when the wives trust you. Good Luck:-)

Permalink Reply by Crystal on May 17, 2008 at 7:38pm

I don't know how long you've been on a department, but I've been on for 5 years and I know exactly what you're saying! All the guys at my station have nicknames... i don't. They have a routine of playing pool after practice, i never get asked if i want to play. I had a very very rough beginning with rumors spread about me that weren't true.
Unless you look like a supermodel, forget it... you'll never have the respect that you, or any other female, deserves.
Remember to keep your chin up and don't ever let them see that the lack of respect and brotherhood bothers you. Stick to it, and be as involved as possible!

Permalink Reply by Megan on May 18, 2008 at 12:53pm

Barbara, thanks for the reply. Yes, I did join to help my community and because I really want to be a firefighter. I simply started this thread because the lack of comraderie sometimes makes things feel like an obligation. I, like many of the guys who join, simply was hoping that the brotherhood was part of the package.

Permalink Reply by Megan on May 18, 2008 at 1:04pm

JoJo, thanks for the reply. I understand where you are coming from with the rumors thing. My assistant chief is pulling each new guy aside and telling him to be careful around me, about how he acts and what he says. I do not feel that this is right as the station should be a place for the guys to feel comfortable, be themselves, their home away from home, not a place where they have to walk on egg shells. Many of the guys are so afraid that they will not even make eye contact with me, let alone talk to me. There is no reason for this as nothing has ever happened, nor am I the type to cry wolf. As far as getting along with the wives, one of the ffs finally told me that the reason that I don't get invited out is because the gfs think I am trying to steal their man!!! OMG. He mentioned that I should find a way to try and appease the gfs. I have to say, I am first of all trying to get to know my fellow ffs, then the rest can follow, although, I am very nice and polite and talk to them whenever I see them. I even try to make friends by texting and calling to see if they want to hang out and do something, but my calls never get returned. I do not understand where their insecurities are coming from as I am not a bombshell by any means and I don't dress provocatively or flirt with the other FFs in any manner? Also, I get along better with guys and am happier doing guy things. I don't know if I could fake my way through a scrapbooking or beading or gossip session to appease the girls? I'll have to brainstorm on this.

Permalink Reply by Megan on May 18, 2008 at 1:15pm

Crystal, thanks for your reply. Its good to talk to someone going through the same thing. It does bother me when guys that got on after me get invited out and I am purposefully excluded. Most times, I agree with your comment,

"Unless you look like a supermodel, forget it... you'll never have the respect that you, or any other female, deserves."

And it reminds me of the skanky girls who do the trade shows in provocative clothing, or come to the station to do presentations, or like many of the girls on here who post SEXY pics. It makes you wonder what their reasons for being here are. Are they here to be a FF or to look HOTT? But at the same time, this might sell products but how much of the information are they going to know about that product? And also, are you going to want to buy a tool or some other piece of equipment from a female who has never used it, not once and looks like she never left the nail salon? I might be perpetuating stereotypes myself, but I am just saying.

Interestingly enough, I myself am not a supermodel, but you should read the exchange between JoJo and myself above about FFs GFs and weigh in on what you think.

Permalink Reply by firegirl73 on May 20, 2008 at 1:13pm

i guess my department doesn't do alot of social stuff. some of us get together and play cards or help out with home improvement projects, or whatever, but it's just a few of us, we also hang out with people from other depts. i was hanging out with one guy for awhile, but then he told a few people that he and i were having an affair (untrue-nothing ever happened with us, and he was also good friends with my husband, who trusted him enough to hang out with me when he isn't around), so the chief ( a good friend of mine) gave him hell and i stopped hanging out with him. but anyway, i have always been included, even to the "guy's day" trade show. i just wasn't allowed to act girly, hehehe.... i told them i was going to buy a pink nomex hood. as far as ff wives/gf's, they pretty much ignore me, except the ones that i knew before. i feel really uncomfortable around them, like i'm out of place. i can see that they feel like- "why in the world would she want to do this, and hang out with a bunch of men- must be she wants to have affairs with all of them!!!" idk, i guess i'm not a 'typical' female, i feel more comfortable with men, and i don't have many female friends. oh well, i like my guys- as friends of course, i don't need to sleep with them to be friends!! maybe, if you have a party (we have a july 4th party every year) you could invite them, or if you need help with a project at home- build a deck, do electrical work, whatever; ask a few of the guys that you get along with if they can help. especially if you are single, they love to help a female. men are strange, even though they want you to act like a man, they still like to help the girl. there is a fine balance i guess. if you are in a relationship, ask them to help your man with a project- putting together a grill, setting up a swing set, whatever. it may take awhile, but it will get better.

Permalink Reply by Firechick_NC on July 2, 2008 at 10:53pm

I guess every woman goes through this when she joins a dept. And about the only thing to solve it is time. When I first joined, all the guys were careful around me, I guess not to offend me and so on, but after awhile they realized that I'm there for the same reason they are and now we get along great. We go out once in awhile to eat, or play pool or different stuff. And they treat me just like one of them. But you will have to watch the rumors, I rode back to the station once after a call with a guy in his personal vehicle, and thats all it took, rumors were going like crazy!! which we had a good laugh over and went on. Just give it time, let them know you are concerned about their families/careers and the like, and I'm sure they'll come around.

Permalink Reply by Spanner 122 on July 7, 2008 at 11:05am

You know, I just got my first golf invitation last week. I would hesitate to say they are excluding you because of who you are, but perhaps because in most cases, it's a "guy" thing. I don't like it either, it's one of the things I feel I miss out on. The guys in my station are all married (or close enough to it) and I'm single. I'm not hard to look at (but not a knock out by any means... lol), and some wives have issue with their husband working with a woman, especially the long and overnight shifts, let alone hanging out with them after work. In the office I worked at it was the same thing... the guys would get together, the girls would get together, but unless it was an "office" event or drinks, then we rarely went out together.
I do go out with them after work for drinks of course, that's always fun, but other than that, nope. It's not such a bad thing. There are women on the job as well and we tend to hang out a little bit. Of course then we get called "hens" and they assume that we get together to talk about the big mean men on the job. I ask them who they golfed with the weekend before or who was at their last poker game and that usually ends those conversations... it's simply firefighters getting together off the job. lol

But, back to your issue. Yes, it can be frustrating, but off the job is off the job. If the guys feel more comfortable getting together with the guys, well, let's face it, they likely have more in common. I am not holding my breath waiting to be invited to do anything else with the guys... I know I will get the odd golf invite or station event (we're heading to a rope course with zip lines at some point), but I don't expect to meet them out on a Saturday night for drinks. Maybe if I was married and my hubby was invited as well (when the couples are going out), but when it's just the guys, it's going to be just the guys.

Permalink Reply by Leanne Wearstler on July 7, 2008 at 6:00pm

are u the only female on the department? if not get the girls together and go out for a girls nite out.

Permalink Reply by whitney on July 9, 2008 at 6:27pm

hey i can help you with that just email me at ducaj@yahoo.com or leave me a message on this and i can help i know what it was like and now we go out and do things and they love talking about me and really i can help

Permalink Reply by Abby Lawton on August 15, 2008 at 1:07pm

When i joined my fd i was accepted pretty quickly and made friends with some of the ff. There were still some I could tell did want me but all in all it was well. But then gfs started to hear about me and omg it was not pretty. It came to the point where my sergeants gf asked me to not even speak to him. Now the last thing I want from my fd is a relationship. In my fh if you want respect you don't mess with fellow ff. When i started getting shit from all the gfs i was shocked. After hearing some of the rumors that were going around I began to be afraid to even be friends with the ffs for fear that the gfs would attack me again. There are some ff in my fh that I know aren't really friendly with me because they are afraid of their gfs. I just want to warn you that being friends with ff may get you in trouble with their gfs, even if they are your friends.

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