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Friend of my son fell through the ice and drowned yesterday.
On Monday a friend of my son tradgically fell through the ice and drowned. When he found out it was a friend of his demeanor changed dramatically. He didn't want to go to school which is not like him. I told him he needed to talk to the counselor at school. I talked to him trying to get out of him what is bothering him, but he just clammed up. He doesn't want to talk about the situation which I understand. I finally convinced him to go to school tomorrow. He told me he doesn't want to talk to the counselor at he wants to talk only to the principal. I told him that would be fine. So tomorrow I am going to go to school and talk to the principal and let him know about the situation. I am putting this out there to see if any of you have up against this situation. I find it easy to talk to a non family member, but I feel disoriented in this situation. I find it to be more difficult to communicate with my own son. I am feeling losey right now. I have included a link to the story.
http://www.fox6now.com/news/witi-100105-burlington-boy,0,4616270.story
http://www.fox6now.com/news/witi-100105-burlington-boy,0,4616270.story
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by John Crabbe on
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What a sad situation, I feel for your son and you, times like this are never easy, especially with kids involved. Was this a classmate of your son at all? If so, I can imagine the school knows and is understanding and wouldn't think there would be an issue with talking to the principal. He seems to want to talk, but sometimes it is easier talking to a stranger or non family member.
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Permalink Reply by Derek R. on
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You can't "force" him to talk with you, but just let him know that you will be there to listen to him if he decides to talk to you. Even at that age, kids have a grieving process too. It's good that he said he will talk to the principal, that will open up the doors for further communication. Watch his school work and watch to see if his demeanor gradually comes back. His principal, no doubt, has experience in dealing with delicate situations and will be able to help him somehow. Just keep an eye on him. You likely are feeling lousy right now, and helpless as well. Sometimes you have to step back and let someone else help, such as his principal. Just try to be understanding and "there".
I'm no psychologist by any means, this is just what I would do.
A very tragic event for sure. Very unfortunate that a parent didn't see him walking on the ice.
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Permalink Reply by Fireyladd - Retired Chief Sharp on
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Important thing is that your aware of his feelings and your attempting to help him. That I am sure means much to him whether he sees it that way or not right now. Your doing the right thing, getting him some help. Besides, there is undoubtedly classmates and others needing to talk an process this too. Hang in there dad. Your doing the right thing.
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Permalink Reply by Justin Buck on
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Scott i know what ur son is going thru i had a brother that drowned two years ago on Degray Lake here in Arkansas. I didnt want to talk to anybody either i was a good 3 months before i did. I talked to a guy on here about. It takes time. I repsonsed to call that turned out to be my brother that was the hardest thing i have been tru but i had to be strong for my mom. I would give him some time by himself i took off work and had to spend alone of time alone before i relized there was nuthing i could have done.
Take Care
Justin Buck
Ouachita Fire Dept
Friendship, Arkansas
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Permalink Reply by Rusty Mancini on
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Very sad situation, I'll be praying for your son and your family. I can only echo what the others have said.
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Permalink Reply by Reg Mathis on
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Scott,
Dealing with a death close to home is always difficult. While I am not a very religious person, a pastor trained in grief counseling is a very good source of information during this period. I sincerely hope for the best for you and your son.
Also, like Ralph said, just being there to listen is probably the most constructive thing you can do right now. I always found with my sons that a long car ride was the best place to get them to open up. I think because they didn't have to look at me and we both appeared busy doing "something else" seemed to prompt them to want to fill the silence by talking. It may take a while, but they usually got around to the real problem eventually.
TCSS
Reg
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Permalink Reply by Beverly on
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There are a few things to consider here....
1) Has your son ever experienced death before, a pet, relative,etc.? If so, how was that explained to him, many people tell their kids that the person or pet is "sleeping", personally that does more harm than good. If he has had the experience of death try to gauge his reaction to this situation in reference to his previous experience. Obviously his reaction to the death of a friend may be different than to the death of a pet, even children can realize their own mortality.
2) Children often understand more than we give them credit for. Although they do not necessarily have the vocabulary or the means to express what they think and feel, just because they cannot explain does not mean they don't have those feelings and questions. Let you son know that you will give him honest answers to his questions...even if it may be uncomfortable for you. Give him answers that are comensurate to his age and questions.
3)Be involved, keep the school involved and updated on his progress. They may be able to give you some insight into how he is coping. Especially if he is willing to talk to the principal, he obviously feel safe and comfotable with that relationship.( Not to imply that he isn't safe or comfortable with you, but we all reach out differently in different situations.) You may want to go in and talk to the school counselors yourself, they will be able to give you insight on how to handle the situation from your standpoint.
4)If you are at all religious, explain to him what your belief is about death. That his friend is (if it is your belief) in Heaven, with God where he will always be safe and happy. That his friend knows that your son still is his friend and know that your son misses him. Also, you may want to involve your priest, minister, rabbi or even your depts. chaplain.
5)Try to keep things "normal". If you can keep the routine as close to normal, especially family time and bedtime.
6)Ask your son if he would like to do something special for his friend, send off some balloons on his birthday, plant a tree, raise $ to put in a new piece of playground equipment or something he may come up with.
7)Most of all, just love your son. Let him know that he can always come to you, now matter what the topic.
Make sure you talk to someone (even us here on FFN) so that you deal with how you are feeling about this. If you were on scene then you also need to cope with how it made you feel, the toughest calls are the ones we can relate to on an individual level. Does you dept. have a CISD team or dept Chaplain? Use the resources available to you, as you heal than you can help your son heal as well.
My prayers are with you, your son, his friends and friend's family.
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