Notes from a Rookie Firefighter...January 6, 2009

To all of my friends at Firefighternation.com, thanks for letting me blog this.

I am sitting home writing this article while my daughter is at the Morris County Youth Shelter, waiting to go to residential treatment for drug use. It took her almost two years to get there. I would like to share this story, in the hope that other parents can look at the resources I used to help us get the treatment she needs.

We have been in crisis since May 2007. That’s when we found out our daughter was abusing drugs. It was quite by accident, with a teacher finding a note she wrote saying she took five Depakote the night before to see how it would make her feel. I will never forget that call into the nurse’s office, when I found out about the huffing, and all the things you never imagine your child would try.

We learned her first experience with marijuana was at a party to fit in. She wrote the story for me some time ago, and said how she felt the need to fit in, and how the ‘cool’ kids made her feel so accepted. The pot led to other things, and soon our life and our child was out of control. We moved to Morris County to escape the drugs so easily accessible in her old school, only to find out that it doesn’t matter where you move to, drugs are everywhere.

Fast forward to September 2007, starting at our high school, and again being the lonely kid, having a hard time trying to fit in. My daughter is unusually beautiful, mixed race, but never felt she belonged. We tried everything that the experts said to try, but if the person isn’t ready to accept themselves, then their feelings can never change. She met another lonely child, feeling equal measures of abandonment, and so the chapter of new and untried drugs began. Along with that was the leaving the house while we were sleeping, the lying, cheating, and the evilness you see when illegal drugs are involved.

I felt so frustrated, and like a victim of circumstances that I needed to desperately change. My career went downhill, and all I did was worry if she was doing drugs or not, by actions or by mood. Many times I was off-base, but when someone has a mood problem and does drugs, you almost don’t know what’s real anymore.

I will never forget the day I decided to make a change. It was June 30th of this year. That’s the day I brought the drug paraphernalia I found in her pocketbook to the police. She knew I had it, but never thought I would go ahead with bringing it to the police. All her friends couldn’t believe I wouldn’t be the mom to look the other way like their parents did. The road I took, of getting the police and the probation department involved, has been one of the toughest roads I have ever taken. I hoped that the muscle I brought in would show consequences. It did not, not until I set my own consequences.

We have been to the hospital at least four times this year with talk of suicide, and even now while she sits in the shelter and I hear my pager go off with a medical call, I get so frozen inside thinking that maybe this time she is going to go through with it. How does a parent live in fear like that? Everyone says “Join a support group.” How can I join a support group when I can’t even speak the thoughts that are going through my head? Do I go to a drug support group, a mood support group, an adoption support group, a suicide support group? Perhaps I don’t want to share all this because I am afraid.

If you are a parent and you’re struggling with what to do, here are my suggestions.

Don’t be afraid to get the police involved. The Morris Township police officers have been so supportive. They truly want to help your child.

Get truancy involved through the school.

Call Youth Case Management, an organization that has been a Godsend to me, even helping us with counseling for her in the home, guidance and just moral support.

Be on top of the drug treatment outpatient programs. Have them help you set and define the rules. Be ready to go ahead with consequences that they suggest.

And remember, you’re not alone out there. There are parents who are successful, who live in beautiful homes, who only hope and pray that one day their child will GET IT and see that their biggest consequence is is to be removed from the safest place they can think of, their home. To be continued.