I have been trying to write this up for about three weeks now, and I even tried writing another blog to get my head geared toward writing this one. Earlier this month my dad had a massive heart attack and he almost died. He is 52 and has been trying to get into better health here lately but it caught up with him. The say he will make a full recovery and with cardiac therapy should be able to do everything he was doing before the heart attack, but his days of packing up and leading an interior attack crew are over. They basically gave him a list of things he couldn't do and among them were his favorite things, like smoking, drinking soda, eating junk food, so he had been fun to deal with lately. Which is why I have been watching from a distance. Now me and my dad don't really talk about emotional stuff and it gets awkward when we do so we haven't really talked about it very much other than the fact he told me that he will be coming back to duty come hell or high water. So I wanted to write this to try and get out what I have been feeling because I really don't understand it all. So I apologize for the rambling incoherentness of this blog. I have never had a good relationship with my dad. It has gotten better as I grew up and I joined the fire department, but I sometimes feel like I have to be the parent instead of the other way around. Don't get me wrong my dad is good at what he does, much better line officer than he was a fire fighter, but sometimes I eh I don't know. He frustrates me I will just leave it at that. So he almost dies right? My family doesn't tell me this until well after of course. So I didn't know he almost died until the next week. So this sparked emotions and things I wasn't ready for. I was angry of course (mostly because instead of leaving a voicemail one of my sisters pounded on the door in the middle of the night, and then five minutes later my neighbor who is on the fire dept and works ems had his wife pound on the back door so I literally went running around my house in my underwears trying not to yell at anyone because I tired and grumpy). Then I started thinking about what the last thing I said to my dad was and hell I couldn't remeber. One thing I keep hearing over and over again is the number of people who couldn't stand their old man wish they would have had the chance to tell him how they felt, but like I said awkward. For better of for worse I think we have each others measure. He's my dad, but he's also a dumbass. I love him dearly , but he drives me up the wall. He will get his thirty years in this year I think I am going to get him somthing for it besides the certifcate the state hands out. Oh before I forget since today was Easter we had the whole family thing going on and he decided that instead of walking around in circles when he craved a smoke he was going to just start walking. So my first thought was a blaze orange vest for father's day. So thank's for reading or trying to read this disjointed mess. I feel better getting it actually written out and was getting angry at myself for my inability to write anything. Have a good one stay safe.