You Might Be a Cop If... • You have the bladder capacity of five people. • You have
ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. • You believe that 50% of
people are a waste of good air. • Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery and a car
chase. • You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
• Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you. • You find humor
in other people's stupidity. • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth
control pills. • You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see. • You
have your weekends off planned for a year. • You believe the government should require a
permit to reproduce. • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight." • A little "stick time" has nothing to do with
baseball. (Can you say "TAZER"???) • You refer to your favorite restaurant by the
intersection at which its located. • You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled:
"Suicide...getting it right the first time." • You have ever had to put the phone on
hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably. • You believe the Watch Sgt. is a shit
magnet possessed by a demon. • Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. • You think
caffeine should be available in IV form. • The person you're speaking with states,
"That's not mine. I have no idea how that got there." • You believe anyone who says, "I
only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .15 • You find out a lot about paranoia
just by following people around. • People flag you down on the street and ask you
directions to strange places. • You can discuss where you are going to eat with your
partner while standing over a dead body. • You are the only person introduced at social
gatherings by profession. • You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to
seize their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill." • You do not see daylight
from November until May. • People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and
think they're being hugely funny and original. • You've ever started a sentence with the
phrase "We had this awesome dead body earlier. You should have seen it." • A week's
worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.
• You've ever referred to Thursday as "My Monday". • You've ever written off guns and
ammunition as a business deduction. • Anyone has ever said, "There are people killing
other people out there and you are here messing with me."