I have not lost a friend a crewmember on a call... I have always been extremely fortunate that I have crews who always put each other first and we have each other's backs no matter what. I am extremly sorry to hear about you losing a "brother". I've lost close friends and family members of course, and i deal with each situation differently. it depends on the person i've lost. everyone deals with calls, especially those where someone has passed away, in their own ways... we can blame ourselves, we can blame someone else, but the fact of the matter is, the person is gone, and if someone we are close to, we should know that that person wants us to continue on. A fellow firefighter who has passed away will want us to get back on the truck and continue to do what we do. I know that sounds kind of chessey, but it is the truth. We do this job because we have been chosen to be the ones to protect our community. We may lose a friend, but we have to continue on... Grieve, cry, be upset, be hurt, be upset at the person for leaving us, and we know we can't do anything about their passing, but we do recover and get on with the job, with our life, etc. I lost a friend on 9-11. She was a friend from San Jose, who worked at Chili's. She had been saving for a trip to NYC. She was at the WTC on that catastrophic morning. I think I do what I do again, somewhat in memory of her. All of us friends mourned her and of course commemorate her life every 9-11, and since we are all spread throughout the country now, we trade e-mails on her birthday and on 9-11. Sure it always hurts to lose a friend or crew member but the best way to commemorate their life and the job they did was to have our down time to reflect on our own life and our own mortality and then get back to doing what we love and do best. I feel for you, and I'm sorry. Take the time you need, buddy, and then get back on the truck. One hero is gone, but we still need more...