Courtesy of ChiefReason Productions.


Now you can have one-stop shopping for advice. The person at the other end wishes to remain anonymous, but I can tell you that he/she has flashes of brilliance that borders on genius.


Got a question?


Then ask Uncle Crusty. This letter is from a young firefighter with “relationship” problems. Let’s read:


Dear Uncle Crusty:


I’m new to this firefighting stuff and dint know where to turn. I hope you can help.

We have one meeting a month-yes; I’m a professional volunteer-and my girlfriend, who is pregnant with someone else’s baby(that’s another story), says that she feels neglected. Clearly, she doesn’t understand that I am now a firefighter on a small department that has 15 calls a year and that I need to fight what others fear; that I run in while others run out and I do it for free.

I sense that the life of a firefighter is a lonely one. I told my girlfriend that she needed to get use to sharing her hero with our community. She had a bigger problem with me emptying our bank account to buy a scanner for home, a portable radio, bluelight for the car, really cool firefighter T-shirts, a rescue knife, Leatherman’s tool, truckman’s belt, rescue gloves and a very cool Nomex hood with zebra stripes.

She gets even more upset if I take our car to the fire station, because she doesn’t have a vehicle then. I guess I could leave her the car and ride my bicycle, but where would I put all my stuff?

I mean; I thought girls were suppose to be more mature than guys the same age. We are both 18 and you would think that she would have a better attitude and especially since she’s a sophomore in high school. She says that she wants to be a nurse and possibly a doctor if she ever gets out of high school. Shouldn’t we be more alike? Aren’t doctors and firefighters pretty much the same thing? I think you would agree.

I don’t expect you to solve my problems. Basically, I just wanted to bare my soul to a complete stranger in front of millions of internet users.

But, I think I will tell her to move back in with her parents and get me one of those cool fire dogs; you know; the ones with the spots? I can’t remember their name.

If she does that, she will take the TV and I won’t have anything to play my games on. Will they work on a computer?

Thanks for any help.


Marooned on a desert island


Dear Maroon;


You’ve come to the right place. Firefighters LOVE to give advice and especially advice that didn’t work for THEM!

The problem isn’t with your girlfriend; it’s your attitude.

She is giving you an endless supply of training for when you become a Public Information Officer.

Think of her as “the public”; a public with unreasonable expectations.

Here are a few tips that I offer to you:

1)       Marry her and upgrade to a 42” plasma screen HDTV and put the 13” set in the kitchen(that way, you can turn up the volume to drown out the nagging).

2)       Buy more T-shirts. Then you can go two, full weeks before doing any laundry, if you do laundry.

3)       Get the dog; the one with spots. They are called Irish Wolfhounds. Ask for it by name.

4)       For the chafing; pour a packet of yeast into your bunker pants. When you can’t get your boot on, the bread is ready for the oven. Bake at 450 for 2 hours!

5)       Work on that attitude, but by all means, share it on Facebook, too.

Let me know how it turns out. Our public has a right to know.

Oh; and start a savings account for her medical schooling, but tell the bank that it’s a Christmas fund. That way, you get the free toaster. I know and you’re welcome.

Glad I could help. We firefighters stick together.

Firematically(look it up) Yours,

Uncle Crusty

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Replies to This Discussion

after the mornin I have had I needed that
Love it!
AWESOME!!! That is all I can say!
Uncle Crusty reminds me of Crusty The Clown. I don't like clowns. I'm going to go cry now.
Dear Uncle Crusty,

What can I do to get over my fear of clowns? You remind me of that certain clown...

Krusty is to clown what Crusty is to crusty old jake.
Dear Uncle Crusty,

I thought the advice you gave Marooned was right on the money. But I think you might have left out a couple of good tips.

1. Every time Marooned buys himself a most excellent "I Dance With The Reaper" or "Firefighters Have Bigger Hoses" T-shirts, he should buy his girlfriend one of those cool, bitchin, "My Boyfriend is a Firefighter" or "I Sleep With A Hero" T-shirts. You know, one of those girly ones with roses and stuff. That way she can show everybody in the trailer park how cool and bitchin her and her old man really are!

2. I may be wrong, but I thought the dogs with spots were called Rhodesian Ridgebacks?

3. You also forgot that if you leave your bunker gear hanging in the station over the weekend with the yeast still in them, you can have sourdough bread! It's a nice difference from the plain old bread you get everyday.

4. Before Marroned gets that 42", he might want to consider measuring the distance between the fist-holes in the trailer walls. I had to go up to a 55" to cover them all! Not only that, now I can watch wrasslin from the whole other end of the trailer!!!

5. He should definitely marry her! Because it is just as easy to ruin TWO lives as it is ONE! And it don't take no more effort!!!

Just my thinkings,


Been There, Done Did That
Whitetrash, GA
Dear Been There, Done Did That

I have one more thing to add to the list.

They need to get one of vibrating beds so when the pager goes off she gets all excited aswell.

Da guy that just cant get anything right
ya that might have been a little to far.
Hey, hey, hey:
Who's giving the advice here?
Good stuff, though.
Wisht Ida thunk it.
Who wants some?
Art er Uncle Crusty
"Hey, hey, hey." See, just like Krusty! I'm still afraid. Hold me!

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