I gave this to my daughter. She still hasn't brought any guys home for me and the wife to meet!
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
1. What are your name, nickname or alias, age, social security number, IQ and Boy Scout rank?_____________________________________________________________
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____ If "No", explain: _________________________________________________________________
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____ Why ??_________________________________________________________________
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____ Why ?? _________________________________________________________________
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple/House of Worship you attend:
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi/minister? _________________________________________________________________
15. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my _________________________________________________________________
16. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my _________________________________________________________________
17. A woman's place is in the
18. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is _________________________________________________________________
19. Now answer question 18 _________________________________________________________________
20. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is _________________________________________________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
21. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture, red hot pokers, the Hillary Clinton kiss torture and mental abuse including listening continuously to music you hate the most.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi/minister ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest (and it had better be genuine and non-sexual). Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If denied, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE and never ever apply again.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Daddy’s 10 Rules of Dating
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package – because you’re sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’ body, I will remove them permanently.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers in place.
4. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world having sex without using a “barrier method” of some sort can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier ... and I am the one who will do the killing.
5. It is generally understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only answer I need from you on this subject is “Early.”
6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7. As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?
8. The following locations are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; Places where there is darkness; Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness; Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.
9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, plenty of stripping holes and know enough important people in three counties.. Do not trifle with me.
10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull in front of my house, you should exit the vehicle with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your vehicle. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to find me attempting to get her date to recite these ten simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too --- there are only ten of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point pen or permanent marker might be inadequate -- ink washes off -- and that my soldering irons were probably better alternatives.
I Am a Firefighter:
1) I once broke a man’s sternum by accident while doing CPR to save his life. If that’s how I help people, what do you think I do when I’m pissed off?
2) I investigate arson fires. I know exactly what clues to look for to prove it was arson. I also know how to make sure nobody can tell how a fire started... and I know where you live. Remember Backdraft?
3) I’ve worked more car accidents than you’ll ever see. The sight of blood doesn’t bother me one little bit unless its my daughters.
4) Its normal for me to carry chainsaws, axes, and various other extremely sharp tools in my car ... tick me off and me and you are going for a little ride.
5) When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets.
6) I use the Jaws of Life to tear doors off wrecked cars. They cut though solid metal like a hot knife through butter. So watch your paws or get the jaws.
7) Sirens and air horns can really muffle the sounds of someone screaming.
8) My friends are state troopers, local cops, paramedics, dispatchers or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad, who do you think you’re going to call for help?
9) I am trained in WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) and I have access to explosives.
10) I am well trained in emergency medicine. I know exactly which arteries are the easiest to sever and which ones bleed the most. (Remember all the sharp tools?)