Its amazing the trust people give you. You’re a complete stranger to them, yet at the moment which is the worst part of their life’s they trust you 100 percent to be there for them. They relate you to god. They think you have this unspoken power to control fate. That some how some way you are invincible.
I will say again that, if you go too deep to search for the rhyme or reasons for what you do or what the outcome was, then you are NOT going to be long for the service.
If you are one of those types who have to take things apart and put them back together to see how they work, then this isn't the field for you.
People in distress are going to need your help. At that point, they don't care why you joined; they don't even care if you continue your work. THEY need your help and that is all that they want.
Help them and then go on to the next call.
We can talk amongst ourselves about why we do what we do or what call went bad OR good and even tell a joke or two.
There are people who have been doing it for over 20-30 years who aren't eating a bullet. They are well adjusted, possibly grandparents and productive citizens who served, made a difference and then turned it over to the next generation. They are no worse for wear.
It's not complicated. It is OK to have emotion. I think if you have a soul, you will have some emotion. But, if you are highly emotional, then you are most definitely NOT going to tolerated EMS very well. That's a fact.
There is some treatment out there for your situation, And there is a job that you can do. TEACH others what you have learned. I am sure you have thought about this, But I figured I would throw that at you again.