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Dear Uncle Crusty Advice Column
Courtesy of ChiefReason Productions.
Now you can have one-stop shopping for advice. The person at the other end wishes to remain anonymous, but I can tell you that he/she has flashes of brilliance that borders on genius.
Got a question?
Then ask Uncle Crusty. This letter is from a young firefighter with “relationship” problems. Let’s read:
Dear Uncle Crusty:
I’m new to this firefighting stuff and dint know where to turn. I hope you can help.
We have one meeting a month-yes; I’m a professional volunteer-and my girlfriend, who is pregnant with someone else’s baby(that’s another story), says that she feels neglected. Clearly, she doesn’t understand that I am now a firefighter on a small department that has 15 calls a year and that I need to fight what others fear; that I run in while others run out and I do it for free.
I sense that the life of a firefighter is a lonely one. I told my girlfriend that she needed to get use to sharing her hero with our community. She had a bigger problem with me emptying our bank account to buy a scanner for home, a portable radio, bluelight for the car, really cool firefighter T-shirts, a rescue knife, Leatherman’s tool, truckman’s belt, rescue gloves and a very cool Nomex hood with zebra stripes.
She gets even more upset if I take our car to the fire station, because she doesn’t have a vehicle then. I guess I could leave her the car and ride my bicycle, but where would I put all my stuff?
I mean; I thought girls were suppose to be more mature than guys the same age. We are both 18 and you would think that she would have a better attitude and especially since she’s a sophomore in high school. She says that she wants to be a nurse and possibly a doctor if she ever gets out of high school. Shouldn’t we be more alike? Aren’t doctors and firefighters pretty much the same thing? I think you would agree.
I don’t expect you to solve my problems. Basically, I just wanted to bare my soul to a complete stranger in front of millions of internet users.
But, I think I will tell her to move back in with her parents and get me one of those cool fire dogs; you know; the ones with the spots? I can’t remember their name.
If she does that, she will take the TV and I won’t have anything to play my games on. Will they work on a computer?
Thanks for any help.
Signed,
Marooned on a desert island
Dear Maroon;
You’ve come to the right place. Firefighters LOVE to give advice and especially advice that didn’t work for THEM!
The problem isn’t with your girlfriend; it’s your attitude.
She is giving you an endless supply of training for when you become a Public Information Officer.
Think of her as “the public”; a public with unreasonable expectations.
Here are a few tips that I offer to you:
1) Marry her and upgrade to a 42” plasma screen HDTV and put the 13” set in the kitchen(that way, you can turn up the volume to drown out the nagging).
2) Buy more T-shirts. Then you can go two, full weeks before doing any laundry, if you do laundry.
3) Get the dog; the one with spots. They are called Irish Wolfhounds. Ask for it by name.
4) For the chafing; pour a packet of yeast into your bunker pants. When you can’t get your boot on, the bread is ready for the oven. Bake at 450 for 2 hours!
5) Work on that attitude, but by all means, share it on Facebook, too.
Let me know how it turns out. Our public has a right to know.
Oh; and start a savings account for her medical schooling, but tell the bank that it’s a Christmas fund. That way, you get the free toaster. I know and you’re welcome.
Glad I could help. We firefighters stick together.
Firematically(look it up) Yours,
Uncle Crusty
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Loyd Dittfurth on
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Hey ralph get on facebook I got to ask you somthin
And to uncle krusty thanks
oh I do have a question
When responding to a fire and your blue light is on the dash are you supposed to hang out the window and what I cant deside on the wail or yelp or do I just need so scream
IM A FIRE MAN GET OUT OF MY WAY I FIGHT WHAT YOU FEAR AND THE WACKERMOBILE I STEER ITS MY LEGAL STEED THAT TAKES ME THERE THERE TO THE PLACE WHERE THE PEOPLE THAT RUN OUT ARE CRAPPING THERE UNDERWEAR GET OUT OF MY WAY THAT IS WHAT IS SAY IM HERE TO SAVE THE DAY 4 WAY STOP IT DONT MATTER I GOT A BLUE LIGHT Oh crap sorry man that kid will get up later and be ok GET OUT OF MY WAY IM HERE TO SAVE THE DAY IM A FIREMAN ON MY WAY TO A FIRE GET OUT OF THE WAY oh hi honey did I ever tell you I am a fireman ya im on the way to a fire you wanna go watch me show how manly I am oh its ok I have extra shocks for girls your size thats why the right side is higher. oh ya well the chimney will still be standing when I get there.
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Permalink Reply by Brian Dumser on
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Thanks Chief, that was too funny!
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Permalink Reply by Art "ChiefReason" Goodrich on
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This question comes in from a fellow married firefighter. He writes:
Dear Uncle Crusty;
If I was all alone in the forest without my wife around to hear what I say, would I still be wrong?
Signed,
Not Really Sure
Crusty Old Jake reply:
Dear Not Really Sure;
Wives are a freak of Nature. You take a perfectly good woman, marry them and they undergo this chemical change. They develop supernatural powers. They have ice water in their veins, for instance. They have eyes like an eagle, hearing like a bat and the wisdom of an owl. Youz asked about hearing...THEY HEAR EVERYTHING! It's supersonic. You can stand right there in front of them and talk to them and they will say , "I'm sorry, what did you say?" But, you get two miles down the road talking to your buddy and they will hear every word; especially that crack you made about her meat loaf tasting like oatmeal jerky. You get home and there's that uneasy quiet to greet you. It is excrutiating. Bet you never thought that you would WANT her say something, huh? There's only one thing that could make it worse. You guessed it...your mother-in-law. Take them to a nice restaurant. Leave your ball cap at home and tuck the shirt in.
At this point, it doesn't really matter if she could hear you or whether you are wrong.
The big question is: have you ever been right?
Leave a nice tip for the meal.
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I had someone tell me that before I got married then reminded me of it after I got divorced lol
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Permalink Reply by Reg Mathis on
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I think they can hear what you're THINKING!
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Permalink Reply by Jack/dt on
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Funny, I thought the leading cause of divorce was marriage. You could have a divorce without ever having had a wedding cake. Ralph, we need to be very specific here about these things.
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My ex wife knew about everything I did on the road and I never said a word then I found out that my best friend was sleepin with her and it was pillow talk.
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Permalink Reply by Mike Schlags (Captain Busy) Retd on
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Dear Uncle Krusty, I keep telling my wife that I was born to ride, but she won't ride with me. Do you think it's me or my bike? Thank you for your anticipated advice.
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Permalink Reply by Fireyladd - Retired Chief Sharp on
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Cracked me up Ralph
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Holly Crap! I think my Bro-inlaw built one of these and has it in his garage. LOL! That is classic whitetrash ingenuaty.
Uncle Crusty, Keep em coming. Bro, you could make a story out of empty words. Sound advice and good reading. So when are you publishing "uncle Crusty"? would buy the book.
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Dear KGOD:
I would doubt that your officer has ever been with a "girl". I mean; imagine the logistical issues of the kitchen and kids. Personally, I would keep the "little woman" in the garage, right next to the weed eater and the Sham Wow. Lots to do in the garage and besides; as long as you pass by a C Store, you will never go hungry and most likely, the food will be better; except the Slurpee. Can't beat a C Store 16 ounce Slurpee. Kids and dogs. What can I say? But, if I get your drift, you're asking me if it's OK to have a "day care center" in your home? Absolutely, but hide the liquor and cigarettes.
Thanks for the letter.
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Dear Captain Busy:
I see that you have a very rare HD Patio Series Springer Hardwood.
Personally, I would store it and watch the value sky rocket. They don't make 'em like that anymore.
As you know, being old school like myself, hardtails had very little forgiveness to the rider and especially the passenger. You had to ride them in such a way that your arms and hips took most of the shock from the rough road.
If you are going to insist on riding this museum piece, then I would suggest getting wifey a side car. You can get one from Toledo Window Box-George Carlin Edition. Some assembly required.
P.S.
Did you get that bike with the extended warranty for termites?
Ride Free.
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