I gave this to my daughter. She still hasn't brought any guys home for me and the wife to meet!




APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What are your name, nickname or alias, age, social security number, IQ and Boy Scout rank?_____________________________________________________________
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____ If "No", explain: _________________________________________________________________
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____ Why ??_________________________________________________________________
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____ Why ?? _________________________________________________________________

*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*

8. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple/House of Worship you attend:
_________________________________________________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi/minister? _________________________________________________________________
15. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my _________________________________________________________________
16. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my _________________________________________________________________
17. A woman's place is in the
_________________________________________________________________
18. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is _________________________________________________________________
19. Now answer question 18 _________________________________________________________________
20. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is _________________________________________________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

21. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
_________________________________________________________________

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture, red hot pokers, the Hillary Clinton kiss torture and mental abuse including listening continuously to music you hate the most.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi/minister ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________

Thank you for your interest (and it had better be genuine and non-sexual). Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If denied, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE and never ever apply again.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Daddy’s 10 Rules of Dating

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package – because you’re sure not picking anything up.

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’ body, I will remove them permanently.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers in place.

4. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world having sex without using a “barrier method” of some sort can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier ... and I am the one who will do the killing.

5. It is generally understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only answer I need from you on this subject is “Early.”

6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following locations are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; Places where there is darkness; Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness; Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, plenty of stripping holes and know enough important people in three counties.. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull in front of my house, you should exit the vehicle with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your vehicle. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

PLEASE NOTE:

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to find me attempting to get her date to recite these ten simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too --- there are only ten of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point pen or permanent marker might be inadequate -- ink washes off -- and that my soldering irons were probably better alternatives.

I Am a Firefighter:

1) I once broke a man’s sternum by accident while doing CPR to save his life. If that’s how I help people, what do you think I do when I’m pissed off?

2) I investigate arson fires. I know exactly what clues to look for to prove it was arson. I also know how to make sure nobody can tell how a fire started... and I know where you live. Remember Backdraft?

3) I’ve worked more car accidents than you’ll ever see. The sight of blood doesn’t bother me one little bit unless its my daughters.

4) Its normal for me to carry chainsaws, axes, and various other extremely sharp tools in my car ... tick me off and me and you are going for a little ride.

5) When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets.

6) I use the Jaws of Life to tear doors off wrecked cars. They cut though solid metal like a hot knife through butter. So watch your paws or get the jaws.

7) Sirens and air horns can really muffle the sounds of someone screaming.

8) My friends are state troopers, local cops, paramedics, dispatchers or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad, who do you think you’re going to call for help?

9) I am trained in WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) and I have access to explosives.

10) I am well trained in emergency medicine. I know exactly which arteries are the easiest to sever and which ones bleed the most. (Remember all the sharp tools?)

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Hmmm...I wonder how this discussion will marry with the new one about the National Firefighter Code Of Ethics?  Clearly THIS discussion promotes violence, racism, homophobia and religious discrimination (yes it does, read it again).  But I mean, if it's all meant as a *joke*, I'm sure it's fine.

Fire Fighter Code of Ethics
I understand that I have the responsibility to conduct myself in a manner that reflects proper ethical behavior and integrity. In so doing, I will help foster a continuing positive public perception of the fire service. Therefore, I pledge the following …….
• Always conduct myself, on and off duty, in a manner that reflects positively on myself, my department and the fire service in general.
• Accept responsibility for my actions and for the consequences of my actions.
• Support the concept of fairness and the value of diverse thoughts and opinions.
• Avoid situations that would adversely affect the credibility or public perception of the fire service profession.
• Be truthful and honest at all times and report instances of cheating or other dishonest acts that compromise the integrity of the fire service.
• Conduct my personal affairs in a manner that does not improperly influence the performance of my duties, or bring discredit to my organization.
• Be respectful and conscious of each member’s safety and welfare.
• Recognize that I serve in a position of public trust that requires stewardship in the honest and efficient use of publicly owned resources, including uniforms, facilities, vehicles and equipment and that these are protected from misuse and theft.
• Exercise professionalism, competence, respect and loyalty in the performance of my duties and use information, confidential or otherwise, gained by virtue of my position, only to benefit those I am entrusted to serve.
• Avoid financial investments, outside employment, outside business interests or activities that conflict with or are enhanced by my official position or have the potential to create the perception of impropriety.
• Never propose or accept personal rewards, special privileges, benefits, advancement, honors or gifts that may create a conflict of interest, or the appearance thereof.
• Never engage in activities involving alcohol or other substance use or abuse that can impair my mental state or the performance of my duties and compromise safety.
• Never discriminate on the basis of race, religion, color, creed, age, marital status, national origin, ancestry, gender, sexual preference, medical condition or handicap.
• Never harass, intimidate or threaten fellow members of the service or the public and stop or report the actions of other firefighters who engage in such behaviors.
• Responsibly use social networking, electronic communications, or other media technology opportunities in a manner that does not discredit, dishonor or embarrass my organization, the fire service and the public. I also understand that failure to resolve or report inappropriate use of this media equates to condoning this behavior.

Thanks Jack

I admittedly never even thought to look this up. Holy cow. I hope the reason for not doing so would be that I may already somewhat adhere to the code, seeing how my parents drilled most of these into my head as a youngster. It wasn't pertaining to the fire service at the time, but life in general.

Anyway...already copied and printed. And now to go get my hand slapped...

English is not my native lenguage, despite this, I never left in doubt that this is a joke ( a great one!) My husband (firefighter) and I (ER pediatrician) have a 20 years old girl (only child) no boyfriends yet ( mmm...) , we ask permission to the author to try to translate and share his wonderful work among several argentinian firefighters and emergency doctors ,considered a valuable contribution to family mental health.

PD: man, you ´ve got a FAN. (Andrea´s husband)


Maria,

It's not an issue of whether or not it's a joke.  My point was, based on the National Firefighter Code Of Ethics (of which there is a new discussion regarding this Code of Ethics and from which I copied and pasted), the public posting of the aforementioned 'items' would suggest to the public that firefighters in general not only have the capacity for violence but advocate it (as well as racial, sexual, ethnic and religious discrimination, based on the wording of the OP's rules etc).

It IS an issue, of impropriety: does the posting of these 'rules', jokingly or otherwise, advocate violence towards others?  Does it suggest that these 'rules' tacitly approve discrimination based on race, sexual orientation, ethnicity or national origin?  The Code Of Ethics being proposed in the U.S. Fire Service may not relate to you, but it does to U.S Firefighters should this Code of Ethics become part of our oath (which it really does, but lets not quibble about that).

But then, we may vary considerably in what we consider (and accept as) a joke.  There have been some in the fire service who thought it would be funny to put a noose in (or in front of) the locker of another fire fighter, who happened to be black (and one incident of a Captain who kept a noose in his own locker, as a joke).  While I'm sure the person placing (or keeping) the noose finds it a hoot, the person to whom it is intended, not so much. 

So advocating injury, dismemberment or death towards a young man wanting to date a firefighter's daughter MAY appear funny to some (many, a lot) it paints (at least the U.S.) fire service as one of violence and intolerance (how many parents, what sex are they, priest/rabbi/minister (what, no Hindu or Muslim religious leader?))

So no, I don't think it's that funny.  I can understand any parent's desire to protect their child from harm, but dating is not considered harmful, we've all done it.  And pretending it's okay to kill someone we disapprove of...I guess some people think the public would approve and condone such thoughts.  Well, those that have daughters anyway.  I suppose the ones with sons, they'd be terrified their son would want to date the daughter of one of these neanderthals.

Jack is a pleasure to converse with someone with whom I share fundamentals values. I apologize if perhaps I didn´t put enough emphasis  on the serious aspect of the subject.The first thing I send my husband was the National Firefighter Code Of Ethic, as I found it wonderful, and he was very excited to share with colleagues.

Humor is the greatest defense mechanism of the human being,an instrument to balance the emotions and frustrations develop. I understood that the humorist exploits the possibilities of children's thinking and that, consequently, humor is a mental activity oriented escape or evasion.

But also agree that bullying is often disguised with a joke, and we must be extremely cautious when something than amuses us, can harm others.

Our daughter is our greatest treasure, as well as her happiness.And nothing would make us happier than she found a great partner ( as I did 22 years ago,)


PD: I apologize for my English, please correct me, because I usually generate misunderstandings about my bad grammar ... LOL. Kind  greetngs!

Priceless!!! I have 2 daughters and I am going to print this out! I love the firefighter twist at the end! 2 thumbs up!

J.D.

My wife & I just had a fit of laughter. My 13 y.o. Daughter didn't find it funny at all.

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