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Its paid for, but please.....
I finally got to ride in our sweet new ambulance Tuesday night. After countless bone jarring ambulance transfers in a 4WD vehicle that would have eventually resulted in breasts I could kneel on, we got a 2WD that offered a smooth ride and steps you can negotiate with a wide butt and short legs without looking like you just fell off a Mardi Gras float. Yaay for me!
It still has that 'new ambulance' smell, which is kind of like the 'new car' smell, if new cars came with extrication tools and the smell cost about $160,000 extra. Everything is shiny and unused.
We set off with a patient onboard who had difficulties that were not of the elimination variety, so I was alarmed when she had a whispered conversation with the nurse on board that ended with said nurse saying, "You have to POOP?" This was followed with a reassuring explanation of how very close we were to our destination, a place where she could do what needed done, possibly even without three onlookers in close quarters. This reassurance lasted exactly 45 seconds. I was at the head of the cot so I couldn't hear much of what was being said, only "Right NOW? Are you sure?"
A bedpan (which I prayed to the Patron Saint of Inopportune Defecation was actually IN the storage bin) was located, and we pawed through the layers of straps, tubing, non washable and very vulnerable-looking wool blankets, and ether blanketing to get to the patient and slip it in place.
Have you ever gotten on an elevator and experienced that awkward silence that settles in after the doors close? Or been witness to the 'party lull' where everyone stops talking at the same time for no particular reason? I would submit to you that these experiences run a distant seventy-third to dropping trou so you can poop in front of strangers in a moving vehicle.
We got the patient sorted out, then field tested something called the 'Power Vent'. (Ambulance manufacturers, whoever thought of a ceiling-mounted fan that sucks smells out of the back so they can hover malevolently over random municipalities, THANK YOU. It works like a champ.)
And nothing cheers up the staff of my favorite ER like walking in with a big red biohazard bag and saying, "Do you have someplace I can put this?" I wish I had one for them every day.
It still has that 'new ambulance' smell, which is kind of like the 'new car' smell, if new cars came with extrication tools and the smell cost about $160,000 extra. Everything is shiny and unused.
We set off with a patient onboard who had difficulties that were not of the elimination variety, so I was alarmed when she had a whispered conversation with the nurse on board that ended with said nurse saying, "You have to POOP?" This was followed with a reassuring explanation of how very close we were to our destination, a place where she could do what needed done, possibly even without three onlookers in close quarters. This reassurance lasted exactly 45 seconds. I was at the head of the cot so I couldn't hear much of what was being said, only "Right NOW? Are you sure?"
A bedpan (which I prayed to the Patron Saint of Inopportune Defecation was actually IN the storage bin) was located, and we pawed through the layers of straps, tubing, non washable and very vulnerable-looking wool blankets, and ether blanketing to get to the patient and slip it in place.
Have you ever gotten on an elevator and experienced that awkward silence that settles in after the doors close? Or been witness to the 'party lull' where everyone stops talking at the same time for no particular reason? I would submit to you that these experiences run a distant seventy-third to dropping trou so you can poop in front of strangers in a moving vehicle.
We got the patient sorted out, then field tested something called the 'Power Vent'. (Ambulance manufacturers, whoever thought of a ceiling-mounted fan that sucks smells out of the back so they can hover malevolently over random municipalities, THANK YOU. It works like a champ.)
And nothing cheers up the staff of my favorite ER like walking in with a big red biohazard bag and saying, "Do you have someplace I can put this?" I wish I had one for them every day.
Add a Comment
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Comment by Kimberly Robinson on April 9, 2009 at 2:52pm
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I'm afraid that would engender more ill will than I feel strong enough to endure at this time. But if His Nibs gets around to admitting he's overextended and offers the scepter, I will offer to receive it.
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Comment by Peter Lupkowski on April 9, 2009 at 2:30pm
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Now, if we could just get you appointed to take care of the website...imagine the hits!
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Hey, the patients provide the yarn; I'm just working the loom.
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Comment by Mary Ellen Shea on March 13, 2009 at 8:27pm
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I bow to your blogging prowess....poop encrusted or otherwise.
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Comment by Jay Nicholson on March 12, 2009 at 8:25pm
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...4WD vehicle that would have eventually resulted in breasts I could kneel on... Your knees might have appreciated that in a few years. sorry, couldn't resist.
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Comment by Chad Furr on March 12, 2009 at 7:44pm
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This is one of the reasons I am FF only. LOL
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Comment by Kimberly A Bownas on March 12, 2009 at 5:14pm
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at least the patient let you know they had to do that. I have had it were the patient didn't even tell us and we had to deal with that odor all the way to the nursing home. Glad to hear that you got to ride in your new rig though. That is really cool. Our installation dinner is at the end of April.....
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Comment by Beverly on March 12, 2009 at 4:42pm
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A pooping we will go,
A pooping we will go,
Hi-ho the dairyo
a pooping we will go!!!!
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I know, I was feeling guilty because I hadn't posted.... Something about getting taxes around for 2008 and the rigors of my scintillating day job sort of killed the funny for a while. Thought I'd have a humorous reflection on our annual banquet but the edges of my memory of that evening are as frayed as a snot-encrusted security blanket. But Fels Naptha soap and a toothbrush will get Bailey's out of your dress blues, so there's that One to Grow On for ya.
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